Zeke's Healing...

When Zeke had his first seizure back in May, I truly thought it was a fluke and it would never happen again.  Then it did, about a month later and it was scary as it was more intense and lasted longer.  After his second seizure, we had gone over a month without a seizure which brought me much hope. 

One day a few weeks ago while visiting Andy at work, I looked back at Zeke and he wasn’t acting his normal self.  Slow to respond, he seemed out of it.  This is usually how he acts right before he goes into full seizure mode.  So I payed close attention to him and tried to convince Andy that he wasn’t ‘alright’.  It was so faint that it was hard to say.  He snapped out of it and I took the kids back home. 

Later, I realized I had forgotten to give him his meds that morning, but I had forgotten once before and he wasn’t affected.  I called the dr. not really knowing if it was a seizure I saw but I wanted them to record it.

That week was busy because close friends of ours were getting married.  We were helping them out a lot and Andy, Cyrus, Eisley and I were all in the wedding.  So, although a fun week, it was a crazy-busy week, too.  

Like the saint she is, my momma came into town Thursday-Sunday to watch Zeke and Bexley so we could make the most of enjoying this wedding and celebrate it without the need to get back to the ‘sitter’.  Grammies are great for that kind of thing because the kids get extra cuddles and special attention and this gal gets quality time with her amazing momma.

Sunday morning came and Zeke hadn’t gotten his meds the night before and we thought we’d be okay to give it to him the next morning just like we had been told.  I mean, who wants to wake a sleeping Zeke?!  Anyone?!  Nope!

I woke up with the kids the next morning and started to make pancakes.  It was 8 am and I loved watching Zeke as he seemed so sweet and fun and just content.  It made me take a little longer to give him his meds because I wondered if his meds were turning him into someone he isn’t.  That and I had 4 hungry children to feed and so I thought, ‘I will give it to him as soon as I serve everyone.’

Just as I finished making the pancakes and started to serve the kids, I see Zeke start to go ‘out of it’.  I go to pick him up and hold him.  Soon after, he went into full seizure mode. 

For Zeke, this is basically his eyes going up into his head, up to the left and sometimes blinking.  Eventually, it becomes difficult for him to breathe and he starts to drool while his lips turn purple and his face white from lack of oxygen.  His body doesn’t twitch, he has control of his body other than what I have described.  They call his complex-partial seizures.

I start praying out loud and I look up at the clock.  My heart is pounding, then I realize it’s been 5 minutes and scream for Andy and my mom to wake up and call 911.  It was time to use the Diastat which is a suppository to help stop the seizure. 

It took awhile for it to kick in and he started to loose oxygen as he always does, eventually.  His lips turned purple and his face white as a ghost.  The scariest thing in the world is praying for your son as you watch him stare up at you, struggling to breathe.  This is not the first time I had seen this, but it was Andy’s. 

I rocked him and gave him over to God through my prayers.  I begged God not to take my boy away from me.  I begged for God to heal Zekey and to bring him out of the seizure. 

Eisley and Cyrus came up crying and said, “Is Zeke going to die?!” and I told them to go downstairs and pray.  So, they sat on the basement steps crying and praying for their little brother.

After about 10 minutes, he finally came out of it and cried himself to sleep.

We were taken away in an ambulance and rushed to Children’s.  He slept about an hour, which is normal for someone who has just had a seizure.

 

Looking back, it was foolish of me to wait so long to give him his meds but I don’t blame myself for daydreaming of life the way it was.  Life where Zeke was just a boy we were waiting on to talk and there were no seizures.  Life where we had 4 healthy children...so we thought.

Sometimes I cant help but wonder how his meds are effecting him.  Does he get headaches that he can’t tell me about?  Do they make him sleepy or cranky?  It kills me a bit but I can’t dwell on those things….

Actually, there are a lot of things I should not  dwell on because they are completely out of my control.  His seizures and when the next one will strike, his speech and development and if he’ll ever be a ‘typical’ child.  Right now, it’s not looking too promising.  It will take a miracle for Zeke to talk and develop along side with his peers.  He’s just too far behind.

So, do I accept it for what it is and say, “Well, at least he is….” Or “Well, at least he doesn’t…” and leave the possibilities for real healing to happen on the sideline?

In no way am I meaning to judge those who go right to that kind of response because not long ago, about a year ago to be exact, I was one of those people.  A miracle to me was, well, ‘something that only happened in the bible’.

My eyes have been graciously opened to all that God can do through the power he gives us with the Holy Spirit.  Why push that aside for fear that He won’t come through in healing Zeke, or that I will look or sound crazy?  Maybe it’s fear that  I will make healing an idol over God himself.

So, I have taken my desire for Zeke to be healed in Jesus’ name to God many times and as I read more of God’s word, I am conviced that healings are a part of who God is through us (a part, not the most important or even necessary for salvation).  I will not shun Zeke’s healing.  Not out of fear and simply because, I have a sweet boy who needs God’s healing hand and I will pray till my dying days that God would hear my cry and bless us with a miracle in Zeke.

Luke 18:1-8 NLT

Parable of the Persistent Widow

18 One day Jesus told his disciples a story to show that they should always pray and never give up. 2 “There was a judge in a certain city,” he said, “who neither feared God nor cared about people. 3 A widow of that city came to him repeatedly, saying, ‘Give me justice in this dispute with my enemy.’ 4 The judge ignored her for a while, but finally he said to himself, ‘I don’t fear God or care about people, 5 but this woman is driving me crazy. I’m going to see that she gets justice, because she is wearing me out with her constant requests!’”

6 Then the Lord said, “Learn a lesson from this unjust judge. 7 Even he rendered a just decision in the end. So don’t you think God will surely give justice to his chosen people who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? 8 I tell you, he will grant justice to them quickly! But when the Son of Man[a] returns, how many will he find on the earth who have faith?”

Another way Jesus tells us to pray is in the Lord’s Prayer.

Matthew 6:9-13

9“This, then, is how you should pray:

“”Our Father in heaven,

hallowed be your name,

10your kingdom come,

your will be done,

on earth as it is in heaven.

11Give us today our daily bread.

12And forgive us our debts,

as we also have forgiven our debtors.

13And lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from the evil one.

For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever.  Amen.”

I never really took much thought to “your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.”

God’s will is heaven.  For all brokenness, as we know our world today from The Fall of Adam and Eve, to be made whole.  Our bodies will be in a glorified state.  There will be no spot or blame, no tears, no disease, nothing that brings our hearts or bodies discomfort.  Heaven, and all it’s glory, is God’s will.

No, it’s not God’s will for Zeke to be developmentally delayed and to have seizures.  Today he has them and today, I will choose to ask for God’s kingdom to come in Ezekiel’s’ body, here on earth, before he gets to heaven.

The tension in the Lord’s Prayer is between the already, or what is, and the not yet.

Colleen York, who I was blessed to find and now follow via Twitter and is always tweeting truth and encouragement, said this the other day, “It is what it is.  But that doesn’t mean it can’t be changed.”

I have no idea what her intent was for saying that, but it was one more boost of encouragement I needed, to keep on pressing into God, my heavenly father, Jesus, my savior and king, the Holy Spirit who lives inside me giving me all I need to live a godly life and BELIEVE that God will heal Ezekiel Todd Holt.

We stand fully in faith as we pray for Zeke believing that God will heal him. I want my trust in God to be so great that I pray fervently for the kingdom to come in Ezekiel's body and wait expectantly and not loose hope.  That the redeemed work in Christ’s resurrection come now. 

Today I am thankful for the little miracles in Zeke’s development.  Learning to kick a ball, learning how to nod his head ‘yes’ and shake his head ‘no’.  Saying “I love you” in a very abstract way to Jesus in prayer.  I am thankful that he is full of life through his smiles and hugs, and that his tender heart is concerned for those who cry.  I am thankful for Cyrus and Eisley who also pray believing in God’s healing hand.  They want Ezekiel to talk so badly.  It’s so precious.

 And I truly believe Ezekiel wants to talk.  So we wait, with expectant hearts believing in the God who created him.  We keep praying and never stop believing.  

To God be the glory forever!  Amen.

You can read my hubby's version, here.

Stayin' Sane Saturday

Well, Friday was a blow out!  Here in Ohio we got some mighty winds.  85 MPH to be precise.  Let's just say, Andy was heading home from work, a storm formed, I was watching the weather and they said, "A strong storm is coming, take cover."  No tornado warning but the kids and I headed to the basement.  About 3 minutes later, the power went out.

The kids were so scared.  I was as cool as a cat.  A scaredy cat that called her daddy and asked him to pray because she wasn't sure she was going to make it to her 9th life....

Anywho, Andy came home and I was more calm.  Mostly because he was safe but also because I feel I safer when he's around.

After the storm blew over, we took the kids upstairs.  Andy had already seen the damage and when he said, "There are trees down in our backyard." I basically rolled my eyes in disbelief.

"Babe, you mean like large branches, right?"

I mean, if there are trees down in our yard, one should be freaking out even a tad bit, right?

 Nooo!  Our trampoline!!!

We are completely thankful that no trees fell on our house and that everyone was safe.  I was prayin' pretty hard downstairs.  Strictly faith.  No fears ;)

With the power out, we were not sure if we'd stay or if I would head to Toledo with the kids and stay with family to stay cool, sane and not eat out for every meal.  Thankfully, the power came back on at 4 am.  I yelled, "Babe!  The power's on!!!" while he was in a dead sleep.  Whoops.

Here's a sweet story:  The next day I really wanted to go to the Farmer's Market with our whole family but Bexley was still under the weather so I decided I would still take Eisley since she was crazy-excited.  Then I realized all the things I really needed to get such as veggie plants for my garden and didn't want a little one nagging me to leave.

So, I tell her I think it's best she stay home and "mommy just needs to be alone a little bit."  And she looked at me with puppy dog eyes and said, "Okay, mommy.  I will just go with you next week.  You can have alone time."

My throat got thick and my eyes teared up and I looked at Andy and said, "I cannot do this!"

"Eisley, nevermind.  I really want you to go with me." I said.

Eisley, 'Yeah!  Because I have been spending all morning getting ready!"  Which was a true story.

So off we went to to our favorite breakfast spot which was closed because of no power.  Bum.  We still managed to get all the things we needed without ANY complaints, only smiles and the cutest talking-voice ever from the little Eisley Bree.

Everyone was talking about the wind and all the power outages.  I became even more thankful knowing SO many people still didn't have power and were not promised it for a week!  We were out for only 12 hours!  Praise the Lord!

Our next stop was the grocery store to get a few more things for dinner.  We were quite surprised to see, this!

ORGANIC GRAPES!!!!

I am NOT exaggerating when I say that Eisley asks me at least 3 times a month if we can get grapes or if the farmer's market sold "organic" grapes, yet.  I would always have to tell her no because ya know, they are on the dirty dozen list.  But today!  Today we spotted some and for only $2.99 a bag!  They sell for $6-$9 a bag so this was a steal!  

What a wonderful day it was with sweet, Eisley Bree.

We finished the day with...

Planting our organic pepper and tomato plants.

Sidewalk Chalk

 Grilling up the veggies we bought...

 The BEST color ever!  Those are potatoes!!!

The result, with a side of brats.  Yum.

A loverly day, indeed!

City-girl gone' country?!

A pretty bold statement for a gal who loves the city life (that my actual life doesn't really allow for, yet) and being around people.  A little known fact is that I don't like the dirtiness of animals or the smell.   Just keep reading, dang it!

Here's where this is coming from.  An extreme frustration with the food I want to buy and/or try to buy and the food I am actually buying.  Let me lay it out all nice and straight for ya.  I care about the produce and meat I put into my kids' body.  I spent many years and hours reading up on natural and organic and have been rather educated, so I thought.

Last week at the Olde Worthington Farmers Market,  I overheard someone ask my meat supplier, "So are you certified organic?" to which the reply was, "No, we don't bother messing with the silly regulations."

I felt as if I were sucker-punched.  I was also extremely disappointed in myself.  I knew better than to spend more money on "natural" and not go all out with the "USDA Organic".  I know, even that's not perfect but better than the "other" stuff. 

So now what?!  I talk to my 2 friends who have the same passions as I do in eating the best stuff out there.  Eating food the way it was meant to be...organically.

I feel as if I am starting from square one.  I feel like I have to research even more now (and I will!) with each farm in the area and how and what I can purchase and how they handle their animals, what they feed them exactly and if I can purchase from them.  Oh!  And will it be reasonably priced?

Then, there's the desire to just feed my family with our own food.  I am so sick of the ways in which it *seems* farmers are either treating their animals/crops without a care in the world but their own finances which leaves us with terrible toxins a flowin' in our bodies OR they want to go "organic" but by the skin of their teeth.

So what does this all mean for my family?!  Buying a house with land!!!  I wouldn't want a ton of land, but maybe a couple of acres.  Like, 5 at the most.  But then I think, "Okay, Breena.  Seriously?!  You'll go out and milk a goat?  You'll walk more than 2 feet from a chicken?  And collect their eggs?!"

hahaha!  Then I kind of want to gag...but I have done SO many things I thought I wouldn't since being educated on food and how it effects our bodies.  My kids are worth it and so is my life span (as much as I can help it) to stay around with them here on this God forsaken earth ;)

In a perfect world, I would want to live 15 minutes from the city, in a nice big home with neighbors no more than  1/2 acre away (so we can be friends and barter, duh!), built-in-pool, in a good school system, affordable for a pastor's wife, etc, etc, etc.

See.  It totally exists. Charming.

So there ya have it.  A complete "I want to move to NYC and become a fashion designer" city-girl questioning "She's gone country?!" ;)

Thoughts?  Unless you are going to say, "Everything causes cancer these days!" to which I will reply, "Yes.  Yes it does..."

Zoo

Yesterday we went to the Columbus Zoo for Andy's work's "Family Day"!  It was a blast! 

 Face painting!

Eisley, a heart princess and Cyrus, a cheetah. 

Cyrus asked me if I would get my face painted like a gazelle.  Ya know, so he could chase me and then eat me.  Loverly.

Thankfully, we didn't have to walk around the zoo.  We had a nice, shaded room to sit, eat food and they even brought baby animals to us including a joey and baby leopard!

So cute!!!

What a fun weekend!  Family, friends and lots of outdoor activities!  Good for sleeping babies...

 Zekey and sleeping Bexley.

We still had church an hour later! 

I hope your weekend was a goody, too!

New Blog Design

So I went a little crazy and redesigned on my blog.  I hope you love it!  I do!!

A few friends and family wanted to know how they could follow me on here since I am no longer on Facebook.  Now I have a little spot on the right column where you can add your email address and get updates when I post on my blog!   

How was your weekend?  We were in Toledo all weekend to celebrate Cy's 6th birthday with family and friends.  Now we are off to Quantum Health's Zoo day with family.  I am super excited because they have a special area blocked off for us and the Zoo workers (for lack of a better title) are going to bring animals to us!!!  So glad we can avoid walking around with 4 kids.

I'll post pictures later!

I hope your weekend was as good as mine!!!

 I love giraffes :)

"You so funny!"~ Blogger-Wife

I think this is really funny...

So we did a play by play...

"Hey, babe!  How was your day?"

"Hello?!  Didn't you read my BLOG?!"

*Crickets*

P.S. I shamefully admit Andy may have seen this exact face a time or two ;)

A Blessed Day.

Today was such a blessed day.  For starters, Andy woke up with Zeke and took him downstairs at the loverly hour of 5:30 a.m.  Zeke's new wake-up time.  Awesome, I know. 

When Andy takes Zeke, he always comes back upstairs after feeding the kids breakfast at 8 am to wake me up and tell me what else needs to be done (whilst I am still 1/2 asleep) and heads into the shower. 

If I am not the one to wake up with Zeke, it is at this time when Andy wakes me up that I immediately fill up with anxiety for the day. 

"Will Zeke have a siezure?  Is he going to get all the body massages he needs (that's a part of his therapy).  Will he get enough time pushing things around?  Will he regress in his sounds?  Will Cyrus and Eisley feel left out?  Will I get any time with them?  Will Andy come home to a messy house?  Will I always let anger be my first reaction?! "

Oh, it's insane! Once this external processor (me!) shuts up long enough to get a frikin' grip I have to say out loud, "God, I can't do this all and more!  Please!  I need your help today!  Holy Spirit, fill me up!"

My prayer doesn't make me feel all warm and tingly inside, but what it does do is reminds me who is ever present, who is for me, who created me and my babies and who.is.in.control.

Today, and almost every day since Zeke's first seizure, I get all sad and anxious when Andy starts to give all the kids kisses goodbye.  It's as if my insides are screaming, "Help me!  Don't leave!  I can't do this without you!  This is too hard!"

But he still leaves and smiles and wishes us all a good day.  And I am thankful for that but even more thankful for a God who doesn't leave.  In the end, no one or nothing can fill me up or satisfy me the way my heavenly father can.  His love is strong.  His power is great.  His mystery is never-ending.

This leads me to my always asking in my head question, "How do people go through life and all that it brings without Jesus?"

I am not saying living for Jesus is a walk in the park, but life is frikin' hard sometimes and I literally do not know if I could do it without him.  My life without Jesus sounds so lonely. I think I'd be asking questions all the time but, I wouldn't get answers...

With Jesus, I can always rest in the truth of the Gospel. 

Okay, on with my day...

I finished a blog post this morning but felt guilty the whole time I was writing.  My good day didn't really start then, but we're getting there, I promise! 

I love writing posts but I had to let the kids watch t.v. in order to get it finished and I get all anal when it comes to my kids watching too much t.v., especially Zeke.  I have all of this pressure to get more "pathways" going in Zeke's brain and although the only t.v. I let them watch is educational, I still feel guilty.

Before Andy left I said to him, "You know, when you leave I have to go from a state of fear and sadness and switch over to getting my day and the kid's day going.  I have to literally do a switch in my brain and heart and everywhere else in order to get out of a slump.  It's really hard but when I do, we have so much fun!"

And so, after I posted the blog post, it was time to do the switch.  It was good.  We read in James 1.  I focused on God's promise to bless us when we endure temptation.   Then we talked about what temptation is...I used the,  "hot cookies on the counter but can't touch them because momma said" as an example and of course that was a flop.  Questions came a flowin', "Well why didn't you let us have the cookies?" or "Did we get the cookies when they cooled off?"  hahahaha!  So we tried another ;)

We also talked about what it is we are tempted to do most and then prayed to God to help us.  Mine?  Anger.  I like to react lots these days.  I am very open about it with my kids and they are right back (ha!) so at least we've got something going right... ;)

Next we went outside.  Lots of jumping and wagon-pulling and neighbor-talkin' going on. 

Lunch was simple.  Oatmeal and honey.  No fruit (we ran out).  No veggies.  Plain old oatmeal.  They love it, though.


The younger two went down for their nap early and I got to cleaning.  I promised myself that I would take breaks anytime the kids wanted to do something with me.  This mean fast cleaning (if I actually wanted to get anything done) and jumping on the trampoline whilst getting all soaked from the sprinkler and reading books.  No.complaints.here.

Less than 2 hours later Zekey and Bex woke up.  We continued playing outside and enjoyed our sweet, little (some may beg to differ) family.

Time was flying and I felt so much peace and warmth and there wasn't an ounce of anxiety.  Even when Andy called to say he was working late, I was doing so well (while giving baths, even!) and told him he could totes go out with friends after work! 

The kids are tucked in bed and went down amazingly.  I told them a story and we all took turns praying for each other.  A new thing I want to do more of!

The best part of my day?  Zeke's AMAZING progress in sounds/words.  He was blowing my mind today!  He was repeating sounds and words like I have NEVER heard!  Actually getting the right sound instead of trying and not getting it right.  I mean, i could cry, ya'll! 


God always hears our prayers and he always answers them, even if it's not the answer we want but today!  Today I was able to praise Him out loud with all of my kids as we thanked Him for showing signs of healing in Zeke. 

To God be the glory for such a blessed day!