My Life Verse.

I just wrestled Zeke in bed.  Yeah.  Not the fun kind where we laugh and play, but the kind where I'm trying to get him to stay still long enough to fall asleep.  His new dose on his meds since his last seizure last Thursday has produced the biggest changes in Zeke so far.  I was told his meds could make him go a little crazy but until this new dose, he had no problems.  Now, he's non-stop and it takes a good hour to 1.5 hours to get him to fall asleep.  Even when he wakes up at 4:20 am like he did this morning!

The other result that his new dose has shown is very little to no drooling.  Yeah, Zeke started drooling a couple of months ago out of nowhere and we couldn't get it to stop.  The dr. thinks it could be a tongue tremor as he has tremors in his hands and possibly somewhere in the core of his body.

For some reason, watching my almost 3 year old drool was a close second to his seizures when it came to bringing anxiety.  It made me sad for him, so this is a HUGE praise!  Thankful God healed that up and hopefully we will get more answers after his sleep EEG in 2 weeks.

I hate that my life revolves around 1 out of 4 beautiful children God has blessed me with.  I have a constant guilt over the fact that I can't just be.  I can't just go and cuddle Eisley or play dolls with her.  I can't build Legos with Cyrus.  Nursing Bexley is a challenge let alone spend quality time playing with her.  It's not that Zeke is a bad kid.  He's not.  He's just the one who is the most needy, and going through the most difficulty.

I wish I could go back to the days when I was constantly reminding myself that life with little ones and all it's struggles...lack of sleep, feeling like a bad mom, sending kids off to school, etc. were short-lived.

And then, I am very quickly reminded that the Breena then, didn't have the faith she does now.  The Breena then idolized her children above the God who created them. The Breena then, didn't think about Heaven as much, let alone get that excited about it because, well, she really liked her family here on earth.  The Breena then didn't get as excited to share the gospel with the lost.

Me, here and now, still incomplete and not whole but having been graciously molded a little bit more into the Breena God created me to be, is where I really want to be.  It's that much closer to my glorified body. 

It's funny because Me now has little to nothing to do with my creative talents God has given me and the desires I have to create have pretty much been stripped away in this season.  Which, I know are a part of who I am but not as much as I'd like to think.

Ready for this...I have Vogue, Better Homes, Lucky and I think two other magazines sent to my house every month (which used to be this gals dream come TRUE!) from some points my father-in-law racked up and gave to me for a nice gesture and I promise...I have not had time to go through even 1 and it's been a couple of months!!  It's a little sad to throw them into this cute wooden box we have as the pile gets higher and higher.  WOE IS ME!!!!  Sob.Sob.Sob.

Okay, staying focused...    I have been stripped of all the extra things I like to do that God has gifted me in and truly, when I am disciplined with my time, I only have time for my devotions (and a few tweets to keep me encouraging others, hopefully!) and crying out to God.  It's the only thing that is keeping me from falling apart so why not choose HIM over...well, magazines and such.

Don't get me wrong, it's been SO good and life-changing and I am completely humbled that God has brought me to this place.  And this isn't meant to show you how 'holy' I am but to say that James 1 is true.  Just in case you were wondering.

So, as I cried out to God (it was like a cry that could be loud but wasn't because I was holding a finally-sleeping Zekey) I asked him to speak to me.

I looked outside and saw this little tree with these beautiful blooms, the color of raspberries. I had never noticed it before.  I soon thought about my life verse.

Jeremiah 17:7-8
"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. 8He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.  It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.  It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."

All of the above is true and I want it to be true of me.  I want fear driven out of me as I stay focused on Jesus.  I want my roots to be so deep in God's word that any anxiety shakes in fear at the thought of entering my mind.  I desire to still be joyful and willing to serve others in the midst of all of this.  Loving the best way I can in this season of drought.  I want to bear fruit for HIM for all to see that even in this crazy-difficult trial we face, God is STILL good!  He sits on the thrown and is ever present.  His love is GREAT and he holds me in his hands and all those who love him.

In your trial you are facing right now, sit still and allow God's love to shower you.  Cry out to Him and let him be your rescue.  Put all the things of this world aside.  Family, friends, the internets ;)  Let him be your hero and run to Him because he's the only one who will never fail you.  ever.

amen.