This morning, I woke up fearful. I feared the fact that I am getting closer to the last chances of getting Zeke healed. (ha! As if it's all on me...trust me, I know it's not!) I used to have all of these different options, but those options are dwindling. He's on the ketogenic diet and that's helped with the major seizures, the scary ones, but not the little ones throughout the day. I mean, there are fewer and he isn't as unsteady, but it's just not good enough! He can't really develop unless 90% of the seizures are gone. I have the GAPS diet that I am going to work into the ketogenic diet through a dear friend who has helped tremendously as she has gone through a very similar situation with her daughter.
I'm so thankful for the way God has brought Zeke out of the chaos of where he was a month ago but with the chiropractor care making him "worse" the day after he gets adjusted, even though that must mean it's working somehow, I have a hard time visualizing my son as seizure free. It's taken over so much of our lives, it's shaped us in amazing ways and it's brought Andy and I so much closer to becoming more like Christ but...
I hate.hate.hate his seizures. They make me so angry. It's not fair! My sweet, 3-year-old boy going through something he cannot control is so, so hard. I'm fighting with everything in me to bring him healing and it always comes down to, in the end, I don't have the final say. I do not have ultimate control. God's hand is so evidently in all of this and His plan is so much bigger and better than what my puny, little human brain can muster up. I have to fight fearing this beautiful truth and, instead, accept it. I should know it's far better to have a loving, powerful, strong, all-knowing, Creator-God in control then, well, me.
But I wanted to share my heart with you. As I get ready to take him to the chiropractor again tonight, I have to accept that tomorrow will be one full of seizures and chaos. I can pray for God's healing and grace to get me through it and He will, He always does.
I cry because I had this post all pre-written in my head and I stumbled across this Tweet which lead me to a man's blog who wrote about fear and love (and how they do not go together) as he was dying of cancer and in his final months...
Please read. It's so beautiful and sad, but know that he loved Jesus and his body is whole and complete. I'm sure that can only bring a fraction of peace to a grieving family and community.
Whatever it is that you are loosing...a dream, a 'normal' life, a loved one, a son to epilepsy and developmental delay, if you choose Jesus, you can rest in truth over your fears. His love is far greater and stronger than anything here on earth. He already conquered the "unconquerable" through his son, Jesus on the cross which leaves all the other things that are difficult and messy here on earth very conquerable too!
We are not promised it will look like what we planned for or hoped for (and you can just go ahead and assume that pretty often, your desires can be made perfect in God's desire for you and it's always, ironically better), but you are promised God will get you through it. His grace and love for you is great, whether you have accepted that or not.
About 2 months ago I decided to re-name my blog. Through all of this stuff we have gone through, it's brought much perspective. When I started this blog, I wanted to be funny, hip, fashionable, awesome-mom(able) and show you how I did all of that. That's where "BreeLoverly" came in. "Wouldn't it Bree Loverly?" I was very into who I was and for the most part, confident in that.
Now, I still want to be all of those things (ha!) but I want to strip more away at the "me" and point all things to Jesus. I think I have always wanted that, but it would look much differently now. I feel like my blog screams "ME ME ME!" and I just don't feel comfortable in that anymore.
Who knows when I will have the time to tell my hubby "Do this to the top! No, I don't like that, put that back! Try this!" etc, etc. But, I want my blog to scream "JESUS in my life" not "Bree and ME and ALL ABOUT ME!" Because, well, me without Jesus...psh. Ew.
And as a P.S., this is my own conviction. This is something God's revealed to me and so don't read into this too much. I'm not trying to be oober "Christian-y". Just trying to bring more of Jesus to the table and less of me and this change is all a part of it.
OH, and one more P.S. So I guess that's a P.S.S....please feel free to comment. I love, love comments and I know you're reading this because my blog stats say so ;) You don't have to understand what I'm going through in order to say what's on your heart. If you have a thought or a question, please feel free to share! Thanks!
Until next time...Love!
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