I didn't really know what I was asking, but it is all coming together now.
For the last 9 months, as Zeke's health has been slowly taken away, I have prayed, "May your kingdom come, on earth, in Ezekiel's body, as it is in heaven. Because, in heaven is where we will see God's will. Wholenss and that may be the first place I get to hear my son talk.
It all started (well not really, but the obvious prayers/answers) the other night I prayed and cried out to God asking why everything was falling apart.
"God, you are taking away EVERYTHING! Ember, Andy's job, Zeke's health which leads to basically no little to no quality time with any of them, our home, our friends, our new church, Andy's car. What's next?! Why are you letting this happen to us? What can we do to make things right?!"
God's response? He ever so gently said, "But Breena, these are not your things in the first place." Whap. Smack. Thud.
Then I responded, "But, you can see that all of this is bringing out the deepest sin in my life! I'm a monster because I can't figure out Zeke's diet, I H.A.T.E his seizure's because they rob me of this beautiful boy you've given me and they rob me of enjoying my other children. You can clearly see that we are suffering beyond what we want to handle. How am I supposed to be the wife and mother you want me to be, I want me to be, if everything in my life is falling apart?! Answer me!!!! How?!?!"
And He heard me and He answered again. "Breena, just love."
My biggest area of sin in my life is anger. It comes quickly when feel afraid because of a situation dealing with someone I love that I cannot control. I hate it.
With everything I am juggling in my life, I needed God to answer with simplicity. I didn't know how many rules I gave myself, that I was clearly breaking all the time in the chaos of my life, but God wasn't giving me rules. He was reminding me of a simple commandmant, to just love and that if I just let these words, His words ring in my ear, it will give much room to the Holy Spirit as my sinful self dissolves into the background. It really is a beautiful thing.
Today was a good day. Not because Zeke didn't have many seizures. No, he had a lot but I didn't let his seizure's have control over how my day would go like I have every.other.day.
I went into Zekey's room at 5:15 a.m. and cuddled him. I spoke softly even when he would seize and I wanted to scream and force the seizure's right out of him. I told him I loved him, I told him I was sorry for getting angry a lot. I told him that I knew it wasn't his fault. I told him I just want Jesus to heal him. I told him I was thankful God gave him to me. And guess what? Instead of making sounds to get out of bed and throwing a massive fit, he let me cuddle him and love on him and well, he listened.
When I said, "Zekey, I love you so much! Do you love mommy?!" He replied, "EH!" as he smiled really big and then shyly looked away. I then shared the gospel with him like I did with my other two around this age. Not for the first time, obviously, but at this age the other two accepted Jesus in their hearts so I thought I'd just remind Zeke of all Jesus has done for him. He said, "Jesus" in a prayer which he hasn't said in a long time...
God gave me that special moment with Zeke and it helped prove the lies in my head wrong. Zeke doesn't need to me fight for him so hard which leads to my anger when things, daily, do not go my way. Zeke just needs, love.
Sure, he needs me to measure out every meal, he needs me to get his therapy straightened out, he needs me to walk him when his seizures cause him to fall down...but above all these really great things, he just needs loved. To not feel like a burden, to not feel like a project I'm trying to perfect.
And this pours out into my other kids. If I'm not giving room for anger, I can "just love" them, too. I can respond lovingly when they ask me to do something for them or when they ask the same question over and over while I'm trying to measure out Zeke's food, or put him to bed, or, or, or....
While I (verbally) processed what God was telling me with Andy, I realized one more thing. When I ask God so many times, "May Your kingdom come...", it really is. It opened my eyes that until Jesus comes back, the way we view this temporary space we have been given in this very broken world, can be a very strong and evident way that God's kingdom comes in our world.
Think about it, in God's complete kingdom, we will not have the cares of this world. We will not desire things more than God himself. We will not struggle with control or loving our children more than our relationship with God. We'll be stripped of the evil part of these wonderful blessings God gives us and it will leave us with these gifts from God, shed in a new light. A light that's righteous and good and with no fault.
So, as God takes away all of these things in my life I can see Him answer my prayer. He's showing me that my house, my kids, our "security", health...it can all be taken away but God still stands firm. He doesn't change, He doesn't wavor. Nothing shakes him. And I can look up and see Him a litte bit more for who He is. A loving Father who is showing me more of His kingdom and less of this world.
To close, I've been asking Him how I am supposed to praise Him in all of this. I even told Him I wasn't going to praise Him unless I really felt it. But, I wanted to.
So, through all of this I can praise Him, not for the bad things in my life...nope. I don't care for these things, but I can praise Him for humbling me and being involved in my prayers with actual responses as I see a bit more of Him and I get to see His kingdom coming...
Wow. Praise You, God! You've heard me, answered me and even loved me through all of my anger and tears, doubt and faithlessness.
We are selling our home, which we were going to do anyway. But now, there's not a clear destination. We know we have a place in Toledo if needed which is beyond a blessing as not many people have a place to fall back on. But, we have friends and a church here and we truly feel called here. So, we wait on the Lord. We pray for Andy to find a job but in the end, we say, "God, where you lead us, we will follow."