This dream was of me in a war zone, chaos all around, buildings falling. I look at the building where my kids were as it was smashed to the ground, thinking mostly of Zeke (and feeling quite guilty of that when I woke up). I remember praying, "These babies are in your hands, Jesus. I give them all over to you." I said this not knowing if I was going to ever see them again. When I woke up from that dream, I said in my head, "Okay, something's coming." Not two days later did Zeke have his first seizure and it all began.
Today, after many months of faith-growing, tearful, hopeful, thought-we'd-loose-him kind of days, I was given another dream. I can't wait to share this with you!
I have been randomly asking God to give me hope through His words, a dream or through people. I didn't care how, but there were days I just needed something somewhat (ha!) tangible. I needed my little faith renewed.
He always blessed me as he knew I truly wanted to believe and trust in Him. Last week I do remember asking God for a dream but didn't give it a second thought. I told him I knew my faith wasn't enough and that he just needed to fill in where I couldn't.
A little over a week later, God blessed me with a beautiful, hopeful dream. I was with another woman (I'm pretty sure it was my mom because she has been my earthly rock lately) and there was a wall full of gel. Yes, gel. It had a body-sized slit going horizontally along it, ready for me and my mom to climb in. Why climb in a wall of gel, you ask? Because God was right there, above us, looking at us with the most gentle of smiles (didn't actually see his smile but I felt the warmth of it) as I felt him say, "Trust me. Have faith in ME."
So we went into the gel knowing that you can't breath in gel, you can't get around well in gel and we had not been told how much time it was going to take but there was this willingness to jump right in because God was there and I trusted him.
Next, very similar in that there was a wall with a body-sized slit but this time it was full of water. I thought, "Okay, I have no idea how deep and wide this water is, but let's go!" and we did. Why? Because I could sense God was watching out for us and no matter what, it was all going to be okay.
Guess who was waiting for us at the end? Ezekiel Todd was standing there with a huge grin on his face as God (being all glowy with no real form) was standing behind him with his non-formed hand on Zeke's shoulder and it felt like He was saying, "You see? I Am Healer. Here is your son." And I didn't feel fearful or sad or a sense of loss. I felt just felt like God and I were the best of friends and he was giving me a wonderful gift.
Zeke was fully restored. He didn't have to say anything. I could see that he was "all there".
We had finally made it through! God's kingdom came into my son and He was getting all.of.the.glory. and it was so beautiful.
I shared this with Andy, of course, the next day but then on our date, we really hashed through it. Andy opened my eyes to the fact that the gel was not life-giving. It only takes away life (in the sense of you swimming in it...we don't need gel to live. It gives us, um, bad hair?) "But water, you see, gives life. Sure, it can take life but that's not it's purpose."
Andy believes, as do I, that we had already gone through the gel and now we are in the water. The gel was the period of time where we were afraid of the next day not knowing how Zeke would be. Constantly wondering how to save him, change this, do that...it was miserable. We were drowning and suffocating in gel.
Being in water, although it has it's "dangers", it gives life. And that's how I feel now. We are not out of this trial completely but our faith is new, our hope doesn't lie in Zeke's ketones (ketogenic diet) or how many seizures he had that day. Thank God! That was taking life from us! No. We rest in God and His wisdom he pours on us day to day giving us new hope in Zeke's healing. We rest in God's Word that tells no lie and trumps fears every.single.time.
And, at the end, we'll get our boy all healed up. He'll be released of the turmoil he faces every minute, with every seizure. We'll get to talk with him, get to know him better and as I am sure much of Ember will agree, we'll hear his genius ideas and what he's been thinking about all this time. ;)
I'm so thankful for a husband who is willing to
I know God a lot more than I used to and I have a gazillion miles to go in knowing Him better. But you see? Instead of just calling God my heavenly father, I really feel God as my heavenly father, more than I ever have before! I really believe that He is always there, quick to listen and full of wisdom to fill me up on. The best of cheerleader as I go through this life and try to bring glory to His name. But also, like a grandpa with a kind smile, eyes that burst with wisdom and a soft touch as I jump on His lap for another story.
This is the God I serve. This is the God I give even my very, very loved children over to because His love for them is greater.
Yesterday, we had little sleep (less than 5 hours) which is only about 1.5 hours less than normal but I felt so crushed, depressed, defeated and so I texted my mom and said, "If there was ever a day I wish you could come and help me..."
Waiting for Grammy!
And she came! She changed plans and hopped in the car to help me for two days. I am so blessed to have a mother like that! She helped with my day, she played with the kids when I just didn't have the energy. She urged Andy and I to go out on a date because she knows it's a rare case when we get out. I said to her, "I was just told that 85% of marriages end in divorce when they have a child with special needs and honestly, I believe it." She understood, with no judgement.
It has been really hard but thankfully, we have a faith that is grounded in a God bigger than statistics who has been with us the whole way.
My momma also stayed so I could take Zeke to the dr. without having to find someone to come over. What a blessing.
Today, we went to a new dr. that I am pretty sure is a believer and even though she didn't take medicaid (I have no shame in admitting that...Andy lost his job.) she still sat down with us and gave us new hope in Ezekiel's healing. He heart went out to him and she actually already knew of his story and told another dr. friend who just finished writing her second book.
There are cases with people who have stories just like Zeke's who have this blood-cleaning-out-thing that they do every couple of weeks (and it's not cheap!) and combine it with diet change and they have turned into a completely "typical" child. We believe we have finally found the right dr. for our Zeke who is going to lead us to a new neuro and dietician who believe in alternative medicine for taking care of the real problem but use meds until the real problem is found out.
God is in this. He always has been. And I will keep praying with a believing heart, that my sweet Ezekiel Todd will be healed in Jesus' name!
Tears of hope!