Ezekiel was my child that stuck out like a sore thumb ever since the day he was born. We had just purchased our first house, preparing for his arrival. Women were praying through my house at the time my water broke on November 19th, 2009, 10 days before my due date. This is the same house we just sold to move to Toledo to be near family as Zeke's disease was taking over, is now officially, "The Zekey House."
Ezekiel learned everything at the appropriate time. He was actually my earliest crawler and walker and printer of random papers off of the computer. He was highly intelligent and always thinking. He was always making people wonder what exactly was going on through his head.
He learned to talk and then lost his speech. He learned to eat on his own and lost that, too. He lost his ability to kick a ball, to jump on the trampoline- something that brought him so much joy. He lost everything. He is now very much like a young infant. Unable to control his body movements or hold himself up. He cannot hold eye contact and is loosing his ability to see.
But there are random things he can still do. He laughs. A trumpet makes him giggle. Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood and CARS soothes him when nothing else, not even me, can. Everything is right in his world when someone is playing an instrument.
This birthday of his was by far the hardest holiday for me. I didn't want to have the party because I was an emotional wreck. I didn't want to start a year of celebrating 'survival' or 'lasts'. I didn't want to pretend we were all happy when we're all torn from the inside out with sadness.
But, just as we live out each day, being thankful for it, we were able to pull off a pretty amazing birthday for Zeke. All of my siblings and sister-in-law were able to make it as well as my parents and Andys'. Zeke had the best day. He was so happy and peaceful and just full of Jesus' light. I could not have asked for a better birthday for this season we are in.
We prayed to God, asking for Zeke's healing but thanking Him for never changing. More than anything right now, I'm so thankful for His constant and unwavering. It was a simple truth I knew and heard of my whole life but I can apply it so strongly and confidently now.
I can feel near to God and He is there. I can feel God's silence but know He's still there and even working in ways I do not know. I can be angry and He is still faithful. I can be praising Him and is worthy of all my praise and I can be too tired and distracted and He is still worthy.
Ya see, I am up and I am down. I am in a state of believing in the unbelievable and then I'm not. But it doesn't matter as long as I am still following Him.
God doesn't need me to believe Zeke will be healed in order for it to happen and that's a huge burden lifted for me. I believe God CAN heal Zeke, but honestly, I don't think He will. And :GASP: my saying that ALSO DOESN'T CHANGE GOD! I still ask but sometimes, through my tears, I tell God I don't believe He will. I them tell Him how I don't want to live life without Zeke. I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want the burden to have to believe God will heal Zeke in order for it to actually happen.
I want to have my head bowed, tears falling and my hands open ready to receive what God has for me. For Zeke.
I'm done having my hands clenched trying to hold onto a thought (believing Zeke WILL be healed on earth) in order for Zeke's healing to come to pass. I'm done with the pressure to believe a lie, that "Zeke is healed" when he is CLEARLY NOT HEALED. I'm done putting pressures on myself that are NOT FROM GOD HIMSELF.
God is capable and able. I am NOT. I believe God. I trust Him and I tell Him what I want but I let it go there.
Jesus won- past tense. Death and disease, for those who follow Jesus, have been conquered. So healing, here or there (heaven) isn't on me. I'm letting that pressure fall behind me as I keep walking this life, holding my boy and looking into the Light. No dark cloud or storm can cover what God's doing through Zeke's disease. I will not fear.
Please, don't stop believing in God and what He is able to do. Please ask for His healing hand on Zeke. We are called to it, we must not stop asking.
Enjoy these pics from the party....