This morning, I woke up fearful. I feared the fact that I am getting closer to the last chances of getting Zeke healed. (ha! As if it's all on me...trust me, I know it's not!) I used to have all of these different options, but those options are dwindling. He's on the ketogenic diet and that's helped with the major seizures, the scary ones, but not the little ones throughout the day. I mean, there are fewer and he isn't as unsteady, but it's just not good enough! He can't really develop unless 90% of the seizures are gone. I have the GAPS diet that I am going to work into the ketogenic diet through a dear friend who has helped tremendously as she has gone through a very similar situation with her daughter.
I'm so thankful for the way God has brought Zeke out of the chaos of where he was a month ago but with the chiropractor care making him "worse" the day after he gets adjusted, even though that must mean it's working somehow, I have a hard time visualizing my son as seizure free. It's taken over so much of our lives, it's shaped us in amazing ways and it's brought Andy and I so much closer to becoming more like Christ but...
I hate.hate.hate his seizures. They make me so angry. It's not fair! My sweet, 3-year-old boy going through something he cannot control is so, so hard. I'm fighting with everything in me to bring him healing and it always comes down to, in the end, I don't have the final say. I do not have ultimate control. God's hand is so evidently in all of this and His plan is so much bigger and better than what my puny, little human brain can muster up. I have to fight fearing this beautiful truth and, instead, accept it. I should know it's far better to have a loving, powerful, strong, all-knowing, Creator-God in control then, well, me.
But I wanted to share my heart with you. As I get ready to take him to the chiropractor again tonight, I have to accept that tomorrow will be one full of seizures and chaos. I can pray for God's healing and grace to get me through it and He will, He always does.
I cry because I had this post all pre-written in my head and I stumbled across this Tweet which lead me to a man's blog who wrote about fear and love (and how they do not go together) as he was dying of cancer and in his final months...
Please read. It's so beautiful and sad, but know that he loved Jesus and his body is whole and complete. I'm sure that can only bring a fraction of peace to a grieving family and community.
Whatever it is that you are loosing...a dream, a 'normal' life, a loved one, a son to epilepsy and developmental delay, if you choose Jesus, you can rest in truth over your fears. His love is far greater and stronger than anything here on earth. He already conquered the "unconquerable" through his son, Jesus on the cross which leaves all the other things that are difficult and messy here on earth very conquerable too!
We are not promised it will look like what we planned for or hoped for (and you can just go ahead and assume that pretty often, your desires can be made perfect in God's desire for you and it's always, ironically better), but you are promised God will get you through it. His grace and love for you is great, whether you have accepted that or not.
About 2 months ago I decided to re-name my blog. Through all of this stuff we have gone through, it's brought much perspective. When I started this blog, I wanted to be funny, hip, fashionable, awesome-mom(able) and show you how I did all of that. That's where "BreeLoverly" came in. "Wouldn't it Bree Loverly?" I was very into who I was and for the most part, confident in that.
Now, I still want to be all of those things (ha!) but I want to strip more away at the "me" and point all things to Jesus. I think I have always wanted that, but it would look much differently now. I feel like my blog screams "ME ME ME!" and I just don't feel comfortable in that anymore.
Who knows when I will have the time to tell my hubby "Do this to the top! No, I don't like that, put that back! Try this!" etc, etc. But, I want my blog to scream "JESUS in my life" not "Bree and ME and ALL ABOUT ME!" Because, well, me without Jesus...psh. Ew.
And as a P.S., this is my own conviction. This is something God's revealed to me and so don't read into this too much. I'm not trying to be oober "Christian-y". Just trying to bring more of Jesus to the table and less of me and this change is all a part of it.
OH, and one more P.S. So I guess that's a P.S.S....please feel free to comment. I love, love comments and I know you're reading this because my blog stats say so ;) You don't have to understand what I'm going through in order to say what's on your heart. If you have a thought or a question, please feel free to share! Thanks!
Until next time...Love!
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Sunday, December 9, 2012
No buts allowed!
You all may know, Zekey has seizures and I'm doing everything in my power to stop them. Prayer, diet change, chiropractor and sadly, meds.
All are working! All have made him better in some way. Meds aren't my favorite thing but even those we've got under control.
Well, on Friday, I took Zeke to a chiropractor in the Newark area. Let me back up a little. God is so good to us! He's prepared us for all of this before we knew we'd even face this trial. Zeke's preschool teacher is a sweetheart. I felt very comfortable having Zeke in her class because her sister has a very similar story as his. She connected me with her mom so I could get tips on what she did to help her daughter's seizures stop (because they did!) She has been such a blessing!
Long story short, through chiropractic care in the Newark area, her daughter became seizure free and off meds for 10 years! Through therapy, she was able to get back on track with her peers. They came back (as sometimes they do during puberty) and she had surgery to take care of them.
Getting back to my story, Zekey woke up this morning and was throwing a fit. It wasn't provoked by anything and he just seemed inconsolable. I was upstairs making his breakfast (each meal takes about 15 minutes to make and another 45 minutes to feed him). When Andy brought him upstairs, I could tell things were not right. He wouldn't make eye contact and he was doing some weird, repetitive movement in his hands. It became clear he was having a seizure.
I quickly went into "calm him and comfort him" mode praying that he'd come out of it. After 5 minutes, he didn't so I had to use the diastat to pull him out of the siezure. There was such a peace during all of this. Honestly, these kinds of seizures, the ones that leave his breathing inconsistant and where I have to use meds to get him out of it, have been gone the whole time we've had him on the ketogenic diet.
During all of this, I remembered that the chiropractor said, "Now, his symptoms may get worse before he gets better but I don't expect that to happen."
Well, they did get worse and I was so thankful that he told me they may otherwise, I"d be a mess. Andy and I put so much work into his diet for every.single.meal. It's exhausting but the results are totally worth it! I get my son back and his "major" seizures are gone and his "little" ones throughout the day are decreasing...
Until this morning. I emailed Zeke's teacher's mom to kind of vent. I just told her what happened and if she experienced anything like this. Mind you, this was before 7 am. Zeke was sleeping in my arms (as a post-seizure child would) and I prayed over him. I cried because I hate failure with his seizures but I wasn't sure it was actually failure. Clearly, the chiropractor did something! Something was working, right?
As I held Zekey on the couch, I decided to check my mail. Sure enough, I received a very timely email back from her. She comforted me by telling me the same thing happened to her daughter before she got better. She told me that she was praying for me and Andy and that she prayed for Zeke's healing. She told me that, no matter what, it was all in God's hands. Also, she gave me permission to "ramble" (as I put it) anytime. It got me right in the heart.
*Insert Tweet here* "I love timely words from people that can only be explained by a God who is ever present and pursues me with a deep, unshakable love."
I needed that SO SO much. It's all so simple but guys, going through this with Zeke has rocked our world. We're desperately trying everything to give him a chance at a "normal" life...whatever that means anyway. We want to get to know him more! We want to know what the constant thoughts are in his head. He's such a sweet soul and I can't help but want more, more, MORE!
But as I fight for those things, whatever God allows is what we get. His life already looks differently than my other kids' and that's okay. Our "normal" is much different than most people and that's okay, too. I've gotten over the fact that my life is much different than I planned it would be. Through all of this, I'm much closer to being the Breena that God originally created me to be and that's humbling. Life is sweeter and silly things do not bother me so much. I love that. Things fall off my shoulders more than ever, and I love that too.
This world is not our home so don't get too comfy or he'll rock your world, too. Comfy is boring anyway. God is slowly making us anew and it's exciting and humbling and I kind of can't wait for Jesus to come back! ;)
My prayer used to be, "Dear God, take us where we need to go but please don't touch my children!" Ha.ha.ha. Har.Har.Har. Yeah...
Now, I can boldly and trusting say, "Dear God, take us where we need to go and may you give us the strength we need to get through whatever you have for us."
Ahhh...such peace knowing I can rest in such a strong and loving God who cares for me and my babies more than I'll ever know here in this "not home" world.
All are working! All have made him better in some way. Meds aren't my favorite thing but even those we've got under control.
Well, on Friday, I took Zeke to a chiropractor in the Newark area. Let me back up a little. God is so good to us! He's prepared us for all of this before we knew we'd even face this trial. Zeke's preschool teacher is a sweetheart. I felt very comfortable having Zeke in her class because her sister has a very similar story as his. She connected me with her mom so I could get tips on what she did to help her daughter's seizures stop (because they did!) She has been such a blessing!
Long story short, through chiropractic care in the Newark area, her daughter became seizure free and off meds for 10 years! Through therapy, she was able to get back on track with her peers. They came back (as sometimes they do during puberty) and she had surgery to take care of them.
Getting back to my story, Zekey woke up this morning and was throwing a fit. It wasn't provoked by anything and he just seemed inconsolable. I was upstairs making his breakfast (each meal takes about 15 minutes to make and another 45 minutes to feed him). When Andy brought him upstairs, I could tell things were not right. He wouldn't make eye contact and he was doing some weird, repetitive movement in his hands. It became clear he was having a seizure.
I quickly went into "calm him and comfort him" mode praying that he'd come out of it. After 5 minutes, he didn't so I had to use the diastat to pull him out of the siezure. There was such a peace during all of this. Honestly, these kinds of seizures, the ones that leave his breathing inconsistant and where I have to use meds to get him out of it, have been gone the whole time we've had him on the ketogenic diet.
During all of this, I remembered that the chiropractor said, "Now, his symptoms may get worse before he gets better but I don't expect that to happen."
Well, they did get worse and I was so thankful that he told me they may otherwise, I"d be a mess. Andy and I put so much work into his diet for every.single.meal. It's exhausting but the results are totally worth it! I get my son back and his "major" seizures are gone and his "little" ones throughout the day are decreasing...
Until this morning. I emailed Zeke's teacher's mom to kind of vent. I just told her what happened and if she experienced anything like this. Mind you, this was before 7 am. Zeke was sleeping in my arms (as a post-seizure child would) and I prayed over him. I cried because I hate failure with his seizures but I wasn't sure it was actually failure. Clearly, the chiropractor did something! Something was working, right?
As I held Zekey on the couch, I decided to check my mail. Sure enough, I received a very timely email back from her. She comforted me by telling me the same thing happened to her daughter before she got better. She told me that she was praying for me and Andy and that she prayed for Zeke's healing. She told me that, no matter what, it was all in God's hands. Also, she gave me permission to "ramble" (as I put it) anytime. It got me right in the heart.
*Insert Tweet here* "I love timely words from people that can only be explained by a God who is ever present and pursues me with a deep, unshakable love."
I needed that SO SO much. It's all so simple but guys, going through this with Zeke has rocked our world. We're desperately trying everything to give him a chance at a "normal" life...whatever that means anyway. We want to get to know him more! We want to know what the constant thoughts are in his head. He's such a sweet soul and I can't help but want more, more, MORE!
But as I fight for those things, whatever God allows is what we get. His life already looks differently than my other kids' and that's okay. Our "normal" is much different than most people and that's okay, too. I've gotten over the fact that my life is much different than I planned it would be. Through all of this, I'm much closer to being the Breena that God originally created me to be and that's humbling. Life is sweeter and silly things do not bother me so much. I love that. Things fall off my shoulders more than ever, and I love that too.
This world is not our home so don't get too comfy or he'll rock your world, too. Comfy is boring anyway. God is slowly making us anew and it's exciting and humbling and I kind of can't wait for Jesus to come back! ;)
My prayer used to be, "Dear God, take us where we need to go but please don't touch my children!" Ha.ha.ha. Har.Har.Har. Yeah...
Now, I can boldly and trusting say, "Dear God, take us where we need to go and may you give us the strength we need to get through whatever you have for us."
Ahhh...such peace knowing I can rest in such a strong and loving God who cares for me and my babies more than I'll ever know here in this "not home" world.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
It was FREE, healthy AND natural!
Vitamin D. When it's free, healthy and straight from the source, we take it! Especially when I get happy kids and eventually, tired kids. Yesterday it was cold but the sun was shining so beautifully here in central Ohio! I just had to get the kids out!
My sweet, sweet babies. Oh my heart!
Siblings happily playing.
Cyguy looking all cute n' all.
Eisley Bree, always posing beautifully.
Zeke, my explorer with a beautiful light in his eyes.
The caboose, Bexley Jane! And cute she is!
My veiw most of the time, walking Bex.
That sun! That light! Glory!
Telling "what if" stories with a "potty word" thrown in and then cracking up.
When one is sickly, whatever that may look like, an extra dose of vitamin D (naturally and from the sun) is excellent! I'm all about supplements (the good kind) but when it's free and beautiful, I''m gonna take it!
Unless it's dangerously cold, I want to get my kids outside for 15 minutes EVERY day! We left the park with smiles on our faces, and, if we're being honest here, a lot closer to the time daddy was coming home!
What about you? Do you like to take the kids out in the cold to get fresh air and vitamin D? Or maybe you do it for yourself? I like to pretend I'm a runner going out for, well, a run and the sun just beating on my face. I bet it's that simple ;) ha.ha.ha...
Monday, November 26, 2012
Thankful.
What a fun weekend this was. Thanksgiving. Getting together with family, eating more food than necessary and shopping! Ah, black friday.
Living 2.5 hours away from home makes these holidays extra nice. My kids get excited to see their grandparents, aunts/uncles and cousins and my husband and I get excited to watch our kids get love from other people that love them very much. It's good for all of us!
Zeke has been doing really well so that made traveling and going somewhere other than home much easier than say, 3 weeks ago. So, for starters, I am so thankful that he's healthier than he was. For his smile, laughter and seeing life in his eyes again. I'm thankful that there's more hope in front of us for Zeke to continue to get healing. God is healer!
We spent Wednesday evening celebrating the lives of our sweet youngest two. Bexley Jane who turned one years old on a night I was in the hospital with Zeke, back in October. And Ezekiel Todd who turned 3 last Monday. Time flies and hasn't stopped flying since. Every day is a gift and I'm thankful to have them with the ones I love. I hate when I forget to be thankful for such blessings.
Whelp! Here are many pics so you don't feel left out. I'm embarrassed to say that we left our really good camera at home, so enjoy the iPhone version of our good time. :)
Thanksgiving, thankfully, gets spent with both my side and Andy's. Extended family gathers round the table, kids laughing and giggling uncontrollably, and I get to catch up with the family I do not see often enough. It was just so lovely.
Here are some highlights.
I was blessed to have a special conversation with my grandpa. Most of the time he says something false and wants me to catch it and call him out on it. The same was true this time.
It's always about God, which I love. When I was younger, I would get sad when he said something false about God and I'd say, "GRANDPA! NO!!!" and he would laugh and I would be so relieved that he was kidding. Grandpa starts it out with a one liner that makes it seem that something else is more important than God. Like, "Breena, you know, how will you really be happy without a lot of money?" or something silly like that. He loves the part where I boldly tell him the truth.
This particular conversation led to talking about how God doesn't make bad things happen to us. They sometimes just happen. And sometimes, it's a string of bad choices. But it's all in God's hands. He also said that he felt his life was full and he was ready to go home whenever. Made me happy and sad all at once. He is a really great grandpa. He's always been so nice to me, telling me that I have his heart. He loves Jesus and that brings a peace in my soul. But who are we kidding?! He's the most handsome, healthy "older" man you'll ever meet! He's got plenty of time on this earth! I just love him.
I went out with my mom on Friday at midnight. Are you this crazy, too? We went to a few stores and didn't really find any good deals. It was just nice to be with her. It always is.
Saturday I woke up at 6:30 and went out with my mom and sisters, which is really fun for us. This year we all seemed a little more chill. No one had anything they really had to get. I mean, we really just wanted to be together and enjoy another year of tradition. That we did!
Saturday my family all headed out to Matthes Tree Farm up in Michigan, just over the Ohio line. Most of us proudly wore our scarlet and gray to show Buckeye pride. It's a fun tradition to go to this tree farm. It's family friendly, there are farm animals they let you pet and feed and as kids, we'd all go running through the trees playing hide and seek. This year, our kids did instead! Again, 'my how time flies!' (I'm such an old lady sometimes)
I hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving! Where did you go? What traditions do you have?
Living 2.5 hours away from home makes these holidays extra nice. My kids get excited to see their grandparents, aunts/uncles and cousins and my husband and I get excited to watch our kids get love from other people that love them very much. It's good for all of us!
Zeke has been doing really well so that made traveling and going somewhere other than home much easier than say, 3 weeks ago. So, for starters, I am so thankful that he's healthier than he was. For his smile, laughter and seeing life in his eyes again. I'm thankful that there's more hope in front of us for Zeke to continue to get healing. God is healer!
We spent Wednesday evening celebrating the lives of our sweet youngest two. Bexley Jane who turned one years old on a night I was in the hospital with Zeke, back in October. And Ezekiel Todd who turned 3 last Monday. Time flies and hasn't stopped flying since. Every day is a gift and I'm thankful to have them with the ones I love. I hate when I forget to be thankful for such blessings.
Whelp! Here are many pics so you don't feel left out. I'm embarrassed to say that we left our really good camera at home, so enjoy the iPhone version of our good time. :)
Our Happy Holt Family :)
Opening presents! Yay!
My momma and brother, Jarret.
Bexley Jane eating her share of the cake.
Bexley and Bebe Jean!
Uncle Jarret playing "Tick-Tock" with Eisley
My lovely friend Jenna who lives a few houses away. Friends since kindergarten! LOVE HER!
Kylaa playing my role as a child, "The cousin who can't get enough of the babies!"
My smokin' husband and the squish.
The love of my life.
Thanksgiving, thankfully, gets spent with both my side and Andy's. Extended family gathers round the table, kids laughing and giggling uncontrollably, and I get to catch up with the family I do not see often enough. It was just so lovely.
Here are some highlights.
Great Grandpa Bill Holt loving on Bexley.
My MIL told me to cut the butter and put it on a plate. This is what she got.
Eisley and Zekey playing in the Holt backyard.
There were 3 kids and a Grandpa Nate. They came in happy and dirty. :)
Cuteness right there.
Eisley said, "Poppy, can I lay next to you and watch t.v.?" Sweet, sweet.
I was blessed to have a special conversation with my grandpa. Most of the time he says something false and wants me to catch it and call him out on it. The same was true this time.
It's always about God, which I love. When I was younger, I would get sad when he said something false about God and I'd say, "GRANDPA! NO!!!" and he would laugh and I would be so relieved that he was kidding. Grandpa starts it out with a one liner that makes it seem that something else is more important than God. Like, "Breena, you know, how will you really be happy without a lot of money?" or something silly like that. He loves the part where I boldly tell him the truth.
This particular conversation led to talking about how God doesn't make bad things happen to us. They sometimes just happen. And sometimes, it's a string of bad choices. But it's all in God's hands. He also said that he felt his life was full and he was ready to go home whenever. Made me happy and sad all at once. He is a really great grandpa. He's always been so nice to me, telling me that I have his heart. He loves Jesus and that brings a peace in my soul. But who are we kidding?! He's the most handsome, healthy "older" man you'll ever meet! He's got plenty of time on this earth! I just love him.
I went out with my mom on Friday at midnight. Are you this crazy, too? We went to a few stores and didn't really find any good deals. It was just nice to be with her. It always is.
Saturday I woke up at 6:30 and went out with my mom and sisters, which is really fun for us. This year we all seemed a little more chill. No one had anything they really had to get. I mean, we really just wanted to be together and enjoy another year of tradition. That we did!
Saturday my family all headed out to Matthes Tree Farm up in Michigan, just over the Ohio line. Most of us proudly wore our scarlet and gray to show Buckeye pride. It's a fun tradition to go to this tree farm. It's family friendly, there are farm animals they let you pet and feed and as kids, we'd all go running through the trees playing hide and seek. This year, our kids did instead! Again, 'my how time flies!' (I'm such an old lady sometimes)
Andy holding the squish and bunny squishes, too!
My "teenage" daughter, Eisley holding her hot cocoa.
Sweet boys playing in the barn.
Sheep. I love sheep. So beautiful and sweet!
My sweet boy, Cyrus actually posing for a picture!
Daddy and Bex. He kinda loves this girl...like a lot.
She was too fast and LOVED walking all around!
Proof it was a good weekend.
I hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving! Where did you go? What traditions do you have?
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Thrifty Find.
For now, life is less crazy that it has been. Our new 'norm' is settling. So, in light of that, I'd like to do a somewhat normal blog-post. Something that doesn't require much other than looking cute.
I love fashion and I thoroughly enjoy quickly throwing on an outfit not really knowing what the outcome will be but confident in my vision. As long as I walk out the door confidently, who cares what others think.
My make-up? Well, I actually did it. At home. Not in the car. I couldn't believe how much brighter my eyes looked. Even Andy noticed! 7 minutes well spent.
I wish I had pearl earrings. Next time.
I should probably spend more than 5 minutes total on myself more often. It was nice.
Here's to more blog-posts that are light, every once in awhile.
Cheers!
I love fashion and I thoroughly enjoy quickly throwing on an outfit not really knowing what the outcome will be but confident in my vision. As long as I walk out the door confidently, who cares what others think.
My make-up? Well, I actually did it. At home. Not in the car. I couldn't believe how much brighter my eyes looked. Even Andy noticed! 7 minutes well spent.
Mascara and eyeliner with a little tail on the corners of my eyes.
A simple red lip makes a momma feel pretty.
Red lipstick for my cheek stain. How you do it isn't important, right?
The jacket is a thrift find. I pride myself in that.
I wish I had pearl earrings. Next time.
I should probably spend more than 5 minutes total on myself more often. It was nice.
Here's to more blog-posts that are light, every once in awhile.
Cheers!
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Take advantage of trials.
Do you ever do something that you feel compelled to do, maybe even a sense from God, but have no idea what it is that's going to come of it? Currently doing this now. I apologize in advance.
I am really good at being afraid. Too much of what I do stems from my fear. My biggest areas of sin come from a deeper part of my soul. Fear at it's finest...er, worst.
My mother, who is a beautiful soul (and happens to be one hot grammy!) is always quick to quote scripture when I am low and gloomy about our current situation. It used to bother me so much as a teenager. I HATED it with everything in me, and now, I can't have enough of her wise words! It's food for my soul and happens to be, well, complete Truth from our Heavenly Father.
One thing she has said to me during this time in our lives quite a few times is, "Ask God what he's trying to show you. Is there an area of sin that you need to recognize and change? Is there wisdom He's trying to share with you?"
It's not that she is blaming me for what's going on. It's more like, during trials, God wants to mold us more into who were are meant to be. He has bigger plans than just sitting up on a cloud, watching us suffer. When we hurt, He hurts. So, why not take advantage and soak up any learning or wisdom through our suffering? (Because I want to wallow in my sorry and say, "woe is me"!, thank you very much!)
Slowly, over the last few nights, I have had time to just be still and ask God what areas of sin he wanted to reveal to me. Sin that maybe I didn't even know existed. Or maybe, I just needed a revelation of how hurtful my sin was to those around me. It was both, of course.
As I have prayed our whole married life (which in my case pretty much means married and mothering life) to be more like the proverbs 31 woman (so cliche, I know) but couldn't keep up with her as I kept popping out children every 20 months and then having to learn to adjust all over again. I realized that this time, right now(!) was the time I could really work on areas of my life that didn't reflect her. Ya know, the proverbs 31 woman, who didn't really exist...I will refrain from getting all theological on ya right now.
Although I thought during the last 7 years I have not had time to be more like her, God was working on me and I can confidently say I am more like her now than I was as a newly wed. My efforts to be like her while only seeing my failure were not the key ingredients to actually being more like her. It was God's work on my heart and my godly desire that made me who I am today. Ah, pressure off. PTL!
This trial we face, as a family, is pulling out the yuck in my heart and forcing me to face fears that I didn't even know existed. Such as being organized and on top of things. Seriously! You try putting your epileptic son on a diet that, if done wrong or if the perfect ration is thrown off at any given time throughout the day will cause his seizures to get worse or come back! No thank you! Is there room for growth? Psh, yeah! But I'm closer than I was before!
We are church shopping and ya'll know how fun that is! Add a very gifted preacher/teacher husband and a child with special needs/epilepsy in the mix and then you can see how much of a party this is! ha!
In this area, I have to just trust God through my husband to find us a church that teaches the scripture well and can handle Zeke. (Yes, I have an opinion and he cares what I think...no feminist comments, please!) ;)
As I stay home with Zeke every week while Andy takes the other 3 I have to let go of control and the things I want and do not want in a church. Not easy. Seriously, last week I started rambling, "I do NOT want to go to a church that..." Oh, and "If they -----, I'm not going." And, "I don't want to go to a mega church but I do want it to be like the church in Ipswich, MA that we finally found at the end." etc, etc.
Then, I stopped and realized, I wasn't trusting my husband to hear my desires and apply that to the church we will attend. Instead, I demanded my wants and needs like a cosumer and didn't give my husband any respect or authority. I was fearful of what was ahead, of past "stuff" happening again and putting Zeke in someone else's care.
What I really need is to to sit in a pew with my husband and soak up God's truth. If that's being a consumer, then sign me up for a season! Our family is in a season of "being served" and I must humbly accept it.
I apologized and off he went to a church he really liked and so, we will all go together next week and see how it goes :)
Anger is my specialty. My anger can be great and it ALWAYS stems from fear. I never have time to think about that fear because I am really awesome at reacting at whatever happened out of my control before I take a breath and consider what is true about the situation.
Well, seizures. Although I have tried to avoid obstacles left and right, they are out of my control. Yes, I can (and gosh dang it I am!) do things to help control them for Zeke's sake but just when I think things are good, I get all prideful and comfortable and God shows me that, ultimatly, it's all in His hands, not mine. Must let go of fear and control, and give my son back over to the God who created him.
Putting Zeke to bed is by far the hardest thing I have to do, right now. He does the most annoying things you could ever put together. Smacking his lips, putting his fingers in your ear (it's weird, I know), hitting and kicking, scratching. It's the meds, people...it's not his fault but put all of my buttons into one and you have "Putting Zeke to bed." I.get.so.angry. We also don't sleep well so add exhaustion to this equation and it can get ugly.
While laying in bed next to Zekey, I literally have to say out loud about a hundred times, "die to self, die to self." Then, I picture myself doing all the things Zekey is doing, but to God. I know God doesn't react in anger or lash out in fear at my lack of faith, my kicking and screaming, my demands, my..."woe is me, God!!!" So, I also have to remember to be "Jesus" to Zeke. Love, Love, LOVE!!!! Simple, right? ha!
But, I have to put Zeke to bed and usually 2 times a day, so getting that angry that often isn't good for anyone. God is teaching me, in the most annoying of spaces to learn to control my anger, practice the presence of God and bring restoration and redemption in this nasty area of sin in my life. I can humbly say it is spilling out into other areas of my life that I struggle with anger/control and need this attention, too. Kinda cool! Kinda freakin' hard...
Okay, I think I shared enough of my sin and how I am in much need of Jesus every hour of every day! Feeling better about yourself, yet? haha!!
Zeke update: His "good" days, where his seizures are more under control than ever are becoming more consistent. He is more alert and is smiling and laughing again. He isn't shaky and falling all the time. He seems to be enjoying life again which is a miracle in and of itself. His ketosis is usually high with exception of the mornings which we cannot figure out but of course I have asked God to pour out wisdom and I think I have a lead as to why ;)
This momma never stops putting together the puzzle to getting Zekey's seizures under control. What I do need to remember is that all of the good and even the bad, ultimately isn't in my hands. As I give my Zekey over to God, pray for healing and restoration, I give all glory to Him. He loves Zekey more than I could ever, even as his momma. And that, my friends, brings true peace.
Today, Zeke went to preschool for his first day. This day krept up on me because all of my efforts haven't been into making sure his bookbag and papers and outfit is ready for the big day. No, I have just been trying to save my son. And now, as he is better than ever, I give him over to other people that could never love him the way I do but are very passionate about helping kids like Zeke develop more in line with his peers.
It's not easy thinking that for 2.5 hours, 4 days a week I will be giving over Zekey. But, they are equipped to handle him even if he does have a seizure that requires medical attention. They have a nurse on staff and even his teacher has a sister who had a very similar situation as Zeke and she is comfortable having him around. God prepared all of this for us in advance and I am eternally thankful.
So, here are some pictures for you to enjoy. I need to go and sob until I pick him up in a half hour.
He was very excited all morning and that was confusing to me because it's like he knew what we were talking about. It's hard to tell what your child can actually understand when they cannot communicat verbally.
I dropped him off and he went right in and started playing! He's in school right now! He's not dragging me to go outside and push the lawn mower! CRAZY!!!!! We shall see how he did ;)
Please, keep praying for Ezekiel's healing and restoration and for God's will to be done. Thank you!!!
I am really good at being afraid. Too much of what I do stems from my fear. My biggest areas of sin come from a deeper part of my soul. Fear at it's finest...er, worst.
My mother, who is a beautiful soul (and happens to be one hot grammy!) is always quick to quote scripture when I am low and gloomy about our current situation. It used to bother me so much as a teenager. I HATED it with everything in me, and now, I can't have enough of her wise words! It's food for my soul and happens to be, well, complete Truth from our Heavenly Father.
One thing she has said to me during this time in our lives quite a few times is, "Ask God what he's trying to show you. Is there an area of sin that you need to recognize and change? Is there wisdom He's trying to share with you?"
It's not that she is blaming me for what's going on. It's more like, during trials, God wants to mold us more into who were are meant to be. He has bigger plans than just sitting up on a cloud, watching us suffer. When we hurt, He hurts. So, why not take advantage and soak up any learning or wisdom through our suffering? (Because I want to wallow in my sorry and say, "woe is me"!, thank you very much!)
Slowly, over the last few nights, I have had time to just be still and ask God what areas of sin he wanted to reveal to me. Sin that maybe I didn't even know existed. Or maybe, I just needed a revelation of how hurtful my sin was to those around me. It was both, of course.
As I have prayed our whole married life (which in my case pretty much means married and mothering life) to be more like the proverbs 31 woman (so cliche, I know) but couldn't keep up with her as I kept popping out children every 20 months and then having to learn to adjust all over again. I realized that this time, right now(!) was the time I could really work on areas of my life that didn't reflect her. Ya know, the proverbs 31 woman, who didn't really exist...I will refrain from getting all theological on ya right now.
Although I thought during the last 7 years I have not had time to be more like her, God was working on me and I can confidently say I am more like her now than I was as a newly wed. My efforts to be like her while only seeing my failure were not the key ingredients to actually being more like her. It was God's work on my heart and my godly desire that made me who I am today. Ah, pressure off. PTL!
This trial we face, as a family, is pulling out the yuck in my heart and forcing me to face fears that I didn't even know existed. Such as being organized and on top of things. Seriously! You try putting your epileptic son on a diet that, if done wrong or if the perfect ration is thrown off at any given time throughout the day will cause his seizures to get worse or come back! No thank you! Is there room for growth? Psh, yeah! But I'm closer than I was before!
We are church shopping and ya'll know how fun that is! Add a very gifted preacher/teacher husband and a child with special needs/epilepsy in the mix and then you can see how much of a party this is! ha!
In this area, I have to just trust God through my husband to find us a church that teaches the scripture well and can handle Zeke. (Yes, I have an opinion and he cares what I think...no feminist comments, please!) ;)
As I stay home with Zeke every week while Andy takes the other 3 I have to let go of control and the things I want and do not want in a church. Not easy. Seriously, last week I started rambling, "I do NOT want to go to a church that..." Oh, and "If they -----, I'm not going." And, "I don't want to go to a mega church but I do want it to be like the church in Ipswich, MA that we finally found at the end." etc, etc.
Then, I stopped and realized, I wasn't trusting my husband to hear my desires and apply that to the church we will attend. Instead, I demanded my wants and needs like a cosumer and didn't give my husband any respect or authority. I was fearful of what was ahead, of past "stuff" happening again and putting Zeke in someone else's care.
What I really need is to to sit in a pew with my husband and soak up God's truth. If that's being a consumer, then sign me up for a season! Our family is in a season of "being served" and I must humbly accept it.
I apologized and off he went to a church he really liked and so, we will all go together next week and see how it goes :)
Anger is my specialty. My anger can be great and it ALWAYS stems from fear. I never have time to think about that fear because I am really awesome at reacting at whatever happened out of my control before I take a breath and consider what is true about the situation.
Well, seizures. Although I have tried to avoid obstacles left and right, they are out of my control. Yes, I can (and gosh dang it I am!) do things to help control them for Zeke's sake but just when I think things are good, I get all prideful and comfortable and God shows me that, ultimatly, it's all in His hands, not mine. Must let go of fear and control, and give my son back over to the God who created him.
Putting Zeke to bed is by far the hardest thing I have to do, right now. He does the most annoying things you could ever put together. Smacking his lips, putting his fingers in your ear (it's weird, I know), hitting and kicking, scratching. It's the meds, people...it's not his fault but put all of my buttons into one and you have "Putting Zeke to bed." I.get.so.angry. We also don't sleep well so add exhaustion to this equation and it can get ugly.
While laying in bed next to Zekey, I literally have to say out loud about a hundred times, "die to self, die to self." Then, I picture myself doing all the things Zekey is doing, but to God. I know God doesn't react in anger or lash out in fear at my lack of faith, my kicking and screaming, my demands, my..."woe is me, God!!!" So, I also have to remember to be "Jesus" to Zeke. Love, Love, LOVE!!!! Simple, right? ha!
But, I have to put Zeke to bed and usually 2 times a day, so getting that angry that often isn't good for anyone. God is teaching me, in the most annoying of spaces to learn to control my anger, practice the presence of God and bring restoration and redemption in this nasty area of sin in my life. I can humbly say it is spilling out into other areas of my life that I struggle with anger/control and need this attention, too. Kinda cool! Kinda freakin' hard...
Okay, I think I shared enough of my sin and how I am in much need of Jesus every hour of every day! Feeling better about yourself, yet? haha!!
Zeke update: His "good" days, where his seizures are more under control than ever are becoming more consistent. He is more alert and is smiling and laughing again. He isn't shaky and falling all the time. He seems to be enjoying life again which is a miracle in and of itself. His ketosis is usually high with exception of the mornings which we cannot figure out but of course I have asked God to pour out wisdom and I think I have a lead as to why ;)
This momma never stops putting together the puzzle to getting Zekey's seizures under control. What I do need to remember is that all of the good and even the bad, ultimately isn't in my hands. As I give my Zekey over to God, pray for healing and restoration, I give all glory to Him. He loves Zekey more than I could ever, even as his momma. And that, my friends, brings true peace.
Today, Zeke went to preschool for his first day. This day krept up on me because all of my efforts haven't been into making sure his bookbag and papers and outfit is ready for the big day. No, I have just been trying to save my son. And now, as he is better than ever, I give him over to other people that could never love him the way I do but are very passionate about helping kids like Zeke develop more in line with his peers.
It's not easy thinking that for 2.5 hours, 4 days a week I will be giving over Zekey. But, they are equipped to handle him even if he does have a seizure that requires medical attention. They have a nurse on staff and even his teacher has a sister who had a very similar situation as Zeke and she is comfortable having him around. God prepared all of this for us in advance and I am eternally thankful.
So, here are some pictures for you to enjoy. I need to go and sob until I pick him up in a half hour.
Handsome boy :)
The face he made when we would say, "Hey, Zekey! You are going to be a big boy and go to school today!"
He was very excited all morning and that was confusing to me because it's like he knew what we were talking about. It's hard to tell what your child can actually understand when they cannot communicat verbally.
I dropped him off and he went right in and started playing! He's in school right now! He's not dragging me to go outside and push the lawn mower! CRAZY!!!!! We shall see how he did ;)
Please, keep praying for Ezekiel's healing and restoration and for God's will to be done. Thank you!!!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
A Whirlwind.
That is exactly how life has felt, lately. Everything has happened so quickly and is so fast paced. It really puts Psalm 39:4-6 into perspective.
4 "Show me, Lord, my life's end
and the number of my days.
Let me know how fleeting my life is.
5 You have made my days a mere handbreadth;
the span of my years is as nothing before you.
Everyone is but a breath,
even those who seem secure.
6 Surely everyone goes around like a mere phantom;
in vain they rush about, heaping up wealth
without knowing whose it will finally be."
Let me just preface this by saying, I don't relate with other bloggers when it comes to the struggle of being real. We are all far from the way God originally intended us to be because of the fall. Imperfect. Effed up; so why not share (what's appropriate, of course) with one another and allow God's redemption on our lives to be revealed? His grace and mercy, and, of course, our obvious need for Him daily? It's a no-brainer to me.
Has it been almost 3 weeks already? 3 weeks since we shut the doors at Ember Church. The church God gave my husband a vision for not once but 2 times in the last 10 years. Both times he followed God. Both times, in the world's eyes, it failed. I'll post on this more later.
It was another crazy day. Zeke's future up in the air, continual seizures, little sleep (I'm talking 5 hours or less every night) yet again, no quality time in my marriage. The only thing coming out of our mouths were demands to help where needed. We were drowning. Our family seemed to be ripping at the seams. I couldn't keep up with the house, Zeke and his seizures getting worse by the day, appointments, dr.'s that refused to believe me, 3 other healthy children that just needed positive attention instead of only getting it when they did something wrong.
It was Hell on earth. And I wasn't sure we were going to make it. I cried out to God begging him to help us...I pictured a storm, chaos all around, fear gripping behind me as I looked up, holding on to God's robe at his feet begging for Him to help.
His peace would wash over me until the next hour when I went to Him again. Crying out to God quite literally many times during the day...I had no control and as soon as I thought I did, God quickly reminded me that it was Him who ultimately had the control and I needed to trust him.
Then Andy said it, "We're done. We can't keep doing this. Ember is done." I didn't believe him. We weren't on the best of terms for obvious reasons. Our lives ruled us and there truly was nothing we could do about it. I just thought he was being ridiculous and so I replied, "Okay."
Andy stormed out the door and met with the man who had ordained him as a pastor almost a year ago exactly, told him what our lives looked like and he confirmed it. It was time to close Ember for the second time.
I was in disbelief and honestly, I selfishly didn't want to add one more thing to my plate. A grieving husband.
I couldn't talk to Andy much about Ember. He had to be all internal processor-like and figure it out on his own. So, I called my mom and as it came out of my mouth that Ember was closing, I bawled my eyes out. For me and all that God had done through Ember bringing me closer to who God created me, for my kids who LOVED Ember and looked forward to having "Embah fwiends ovah" after church every week. Of course, for my husband who is so gifted by God and had to again, turn away from a vision and dream that was clearly, or not so clearly at this point, from God. There were a million reasons to grieve about Ember...
It was devastating but honestly, I didn't have much time after that phone call to grieve. I had to keep fighting for Zeke, which as I tell my kids often, "Fighting for Zeke is fighting for this family. I do it for him but also so we can have a less-chaotic life someday, through his healing."
I fight for Zeke with every phone call, every test, every stay in the hospital, etc., etc, etc. It takes up all of my day. HE takes up all of my day.
During this time, Zeke was getting worse. Hope was slipping through our fingers, dr.'s weren't listening to me when I told them he was having many, maybe even hundreds of seizures a day at this point. They told me he was tired and that's why his eyes rolled into his head. I didn't believe them. He was getting worse and I had to take matters into my own hands.
I told the dr.'s since they didn't believe me that Zeke was having seizures all throughout the day, I was going to put him on the Ketogenic Diet myself because the meds were not working. His Dr. finally took me seriously and had another (2nd) Long Term Monitoring EEG on Zeke. Long story very short, I was right. They were wrong. And there wasn't much time to save Zeke from regressing further into...I can't even bare the thought...I am telling you, he couldn't even say the words he was saying for the previous 6 months. He couldn't say 'momma' or 'dadda' anymore...He could barely stand without falling from a seizure that made him go unconscious for a second. He couldn't sip from his straw. It was the saddest thing ever.
I gave Andy a week to grieve Ember and then I told him he would have to hold off for awhile. We were losing our son and I honestly wasn't sure how much time we'd have with him being somewhat aware of who were were or if he would have much of a life at all soon. This angered Andy but I didn't care. It was a fact and I knew, in the end, if we lost Zeke (one way or another) that he'd regret not being emotionally present during the time we did have with him.
They wanted me to wait another month with the new meds before starting the diet. They were convinced the diet was too hard and it was a last resort. I wasn't having it. I worked with a friend who is in the medical field and who saved her daughter through this diet and started Zeke on it the day he was released from the hospital.
We had a scheduled Neuro appointment 2 days later and when the neurologist found out I had Zeke on the diet, he was beyond livid, told me that I was going to have to feed him sticks of butter (false!) for dinner and that it was "extremely dangerous and he could die."
Seriously? This diet is more dangerous than my son having hundred's of seizures a day?! Oh, and "You are going to have to watch your son's every move because he cannot eat ANYTHING that isn't on the diet." I replied, "Yes, I'd rather have to follow him all around to keep him from eating foods he shouldn't than having to follow him to make sure he doesn't fall from his tremors these meds are giving him which are only getting worse every.single.day."
He walked out of the room and fast forward one hour and I was in the hospital with Zeke for a full work week to force him out of the diet I had him on which caused the seizures to come back full force. I wanted to die. The doctors were controlling and even called a social worker on me for starting the diet on my own. Then, threatened it again if I wasn't compliant with their diet. Ludicrous!
When we got home, he still wasn't doing well. He wasn't doing as well as when I had him on the diet for those 3 days before they literally forced him out of the diet for protocol.
We watched Zeke get worse. Tantrums that lead to seizures every morning which required meds to get him out of them. Falling from tremors and just being unsteady...I sobbed to Andy saying, "We are losing our son right before our eyes! Why isn't the diet working like it was?!" Hope was gone.
Then, I called my friend who helped me get Zeke on the diet in the first place and she helped me realize some of the things they were doing were actually keeping the diet from working properly. It made me sad for the hundreds of people that are being guided on this diet by them who are probably not seeing success b/c of some major things they are doing wrong. But! I was hopeful that it could again, work for Zekey!
Zeke is now on the 'real' ketogenic diet and it's doing wonders. He is smiling again, no tantrums, laughing again, wanting to read books again, saying the words he lost from all those seizures and even saying MORE!!! He is being compliant and just all around doing so much better! This is all in just 2 days!!
I was losing my son one day and now we're seeing new light, all because of diet change. I'm thankful to God for the wisdom he poured out on us, all the prayers for Zekey all those who have bent over backwards to help us...the list goes on and on and God, HE gets all the glory.
We have a long road ahead of us. Keeping up with the diet for 2 years while praying he becomes completely seizure free. Praying he has no permanent damage on his brain and that he can start developing again. Funding through the state to help him get the therapy he needs...
Thank you for reading this and for all of your prayers. They have and are helping so much. God is ever present, always working and He is sure showing me that the things of this world are so unimportant and fleeting. This time in life has brought much perspective.
Oh, and Andy and I are doing better :) Life brings trials. Don't bother trying to do this life without God...it's just too damn hard.
4 "Show me, Lord, my life's end
and the number of my days.
Let me know how fleeting my life is.
5 You have made my days a mere handbreadth;
the span of my years is as nothing before you.
Everyone is but a breath,
even those who seem secure.
6 Surely everyone goes around like a mere phantom;
in vain they rush about, heaping up wealth
without knowing whose it will finally be."
Let me just preface this by saying, I don't relate with other bloggers when it comes to the struggle of being real. We are all far from the way God originally intended us to be because of the fall. Imperfect. Effed up; so why not share (what's appropriate, of course) with one another and allow God's redemption on our lives to be revealed? His grace and mercy, and, of course, our obvious need for Him daily? It's a no-brainer to me.
Has it been almost 3 weeks already? 3 weeks since we shut the doors at Ember Church. The church God gave my husband a vision for not once but 2 times in the last 10 years. Both times he followed God. Both times, in the world's eyes, it failed. I'll post on this more later.
It was another crazy day. Zeke's future up in the air, continual seizures, little sleep (I'm talking 5 hours or less every night) yet again, no quality time in my marriage. The only thing coming out of our mouths were demands to help where needed. We were drowning. Our family seemed to be ripping at the seams. I couldn't keep up with the house, Zeke and his seizures getting worse by the day, appointments, dr.'s that refused to believe me, 3 other healthy children that just needed positive attention instead of only getting it when they did something wrong.
It was Hell on earth. And I wasn't sure we were going to make it. I cried out to God begging him to help us...I pictured a storm, chaos all around, fear gripping behind me as I looked up, holding on to God's robe at his feet begging for Him to help.
His peace would wash over me until the next hour when I went to Him again. Crying out to God quite literally many times during the day...I had no control and as soon as I thought I did, God quickly reminded me that it was Him who ultimately had the control and I needed to trust him.
Then Andy said it, "We're done. We can't keep doing this. Ember is done." I didn't believe him. We weren't on the best of terms for obvious reasons. Our lives ruled us and there truly was nothing we could do about it. I just thought he was being ridiculous and so I replied, "Okay."
Andy stormed out the door and met with the man who had ordained him as a pastor almost a year ago exactly, told him what our lives looked like and he confirmed it. It was time to close Ember for the second time.
I was in disbelief and honestly, I selfishly didn't want to add one more thing to my plate. A grieving husband.
I couldn't talk to Andy much about Ember. He had to be all internal processor-like and figure it out on his own. So, I called my mom and as it came out of my mouth that Ember was closing, I bawled my eyes out. For me and all that God had done through Ember bringing me closer to who God created me, for my kids who LOVED Ember and looked forward to having "Embah fwiends ovah" after church every week. Of course, for my husband who is so gifted by God and had to again, turn away from a vision and dream that was clearly, or not so clearly at this point, from God. There were a million reasons to grieve about Ember...
It was devastating but honestly, I didn't have much time after that phone call to grieve. I had to keep fighting for Zeke, which as I tell my kids often, "Fighting for Zeke is fighting for this family. I do it for him but also so we can have a less-chaotic life someday, through his healing."
I fight for Zeke with every phone call, every test, every stay in the hospital, etc., etc, etc. It takes up all of my day. HE takes up all of my day.
During this time, Zeke was getting worse. Hope was slipping through our fingers, dr.'s weren't listening to me when I told them he was having many, maybe even hundreds of seizures a day at this point. They told me he was tired and that's why his eyes rolled into his head. I didn't believe them. He was getting worse and I had to take matters into my own hands.
I told the dr.'s since they didn't believe me that Zeke was having seizures all throughout the day, I was going to put him on the Ketogenic Diet myself because the meds were not working. His Dr. finally took me seriously and had another (2nd) Long Term Monitoring EEG on Zeke. Long story very short, I was right. They were wrong. And there wasn't much time to save Zeke from regressing further into...I can't even bare the thought...I am telling you, he couldn't even say the words he was saying for the previous 6 months. He couldn't say 'momma' or 'dadda' anymore...He could barely stand without falling from a seizure that made him go unconscious for a second. He couldn't sip from his straw. It was the saddest thing ever.
I gave Andy a week to grieve Ember and then I told him he would have to hold off for awhile. We were losing our son and I honestly wasn't sure how much time we'd have with him being somewhat aware of who were were or if he would have much of a life at all soon. This angered Andy but I didn't care. It was a fact and I knew, in the end, if we lost Zeke (one way or another) that he'd regret not being emotionally present during the time we did have with him.
They wanted me to wait another month with the new meds before starting the diet. They were convinced the diet was too hard and it was a last resort. I wasn't having it. I worked with a friend who is in the medical field and who saved her daughter through this diet and started Zeke on it the day he was released from the hospital.
We had a scheduled Neuro appointment 2 days later and when the neurologist found out I had Zeke on the diet, he was beyond livid, told me that I was going to have to feed him sticks of butter (false!) for dinner and that it was "extremely dangerous and he could die."
Seriously? This diet is more dangerous than my son having hundred's of seizures a day?! Oh, and "You are going to have to watch your son's every move because he cannot eat ANYTHING that isn't on the diet." I replied, "Yes, I'd rather have to follow him all around to keep him from eating foods he shouldn't than having to follow him to make sure he doesn't fall from his tremors these meds are giving him which are only getting worse every.single.day."
He walked out of the room and fast forward one hour and I was in the hospital with Zeke for a full work week to force him out of the diet I had him on which caused the seizures to come back full force. I wanted to die. The doctors were controlling and even called a social worker on me for starting the diet on my own. Then, threatened it again if I wasn't compliant with their diet. Ludicrous!
This is the only smile we could get. This was a 'good' smile.
We watched Zeke get worse. Tantrums that lead to seizures every morning which required meds to get him out of them. Falling from tremors and just being unsteady...I sobbed to Andy saying, "We are losing our son right before our eyes! Why isn't the diet working like it was?!" Hope was gone.
Then, I called my friend who helped me get Zeke on the diet in the first place and she helped me realize some of the things they were doing were actually keeping the diet from working properly. It made me sad for the hundreds of people that are being guided on this diet by them who are probably not seeing success b/c of some major things they are doing wrong. But! I was hopeful that it could again, work for Zekey!
Zeke is now on the 'real' ketogenic diet and it's doing wonders. He is smiling again, no tantrums, laughing again, wanting to read books again, saying the words he lost from all those seizures and even saying MORE!!! He is being compliant and just all around doing so much better! This is all in just 2 days!!
He is alert! He is happy! He is, Ezekiel Todd Holt! :)
We have a long road ahead of us. Keeping up with the diet for 2 years while praying he becomes completely seizure free. Praying he has no permanent damage on his brain and that he can start developing again. Funding through the state to help him get the therapy he needs...
Thank you for reading this and for all of your prayers. They have and are helping so much. God is ever present, always working and He is sure showing me that the things of this world are so unimportant and fleeting. This time in life has brought much perspective.
Oh, and Andy and I are doing better :) Life brings trials. Don't bother trying to do this life without God...it's just too damn hard.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Influence Conference 'Wanna-Be'
About a month ago, I was following a Jesus-loving momma gone blogger and caught wind of a conference called "Influence Conference" specifically for bloggers/business owners who shared a common theme. They loved Jesus.Then I totally stalked everyone who was going and "followed" them, via twitter of course. Now that I have followed so many of them, I really couldn't tell you who it was I originally found. Funny.
They also seemed to have a lot of creative juices floating around. So, basically, in my head it was like a pool of Jesus-loving, creative-juicing, grace-sharing, hope-giving, trendy-dressing women.
I.wanted.to.go.to.there.
So, I asked the hubs...through a text mind you, while he was out 'doin' what he do'...preparing a sermon while the kids (finally) slept. The answer was already clear but I wanted to give a little tease to my very healthy desire to go.
The answer was, "We just can't, babe." I responded, "I know."
The money wasn't there and it wasn't a good idea to leave Zekey all while he was still having seizures and meds were (are still) being leveled out.
I don't blame myself or beat myself over the head for the desire to just be able to up and leave with 4 healthy kids behind and a smiling hubby wishing me a good time.
I just really wanted to be with other woman who got "it." Whatever "it" is. Basically, I love Jesus, but I love trends and I love to create and I love to write and, truly really love people so let's all chat about that. Was that 'it'?
Of course talk of babies and our hot hubs would enter in there because, if one is a momma, her heart doesn't beat too many times without the thought or talk of a little one who isn't with her. It's how we are wired, I think. And probably talk of our hubs taking care of the kids would make us laugh a bit...a little maybe?
Anyway, through the tweeting while these women I stalked were attending the conference, it was very clear that they were being changed for the better, inspired both creativly and spiritually. Transformed. It blessed me even from afar.
I was able to hear the joy through simple tweets. I can read up on blogs to hear how the Holy Spirit was clearly working through these women whether speaking or just attending and were willing to be vulnerable and learn and gain wisdom from others. Always a healthy thing.
I was sad not to attend but encouraged by all that went on. Twitter obviously gives a fraction of what really happened which is yet another reason to say, Jesus was clearly present there.
Tonight, I caught wind of an interesting convo that started with Jessi Connoly of @naptimediaries who bluntly and boldly (and awesomely) tweeted, "Thinking on why there aren't many women online who are MAINLY abt the gospel. Is it bc they don't want to be or bc we don't want to hear?"
Oh, I loved it! I wanted to clarify who she was talking about and it was directed toward Christian women/bloggers/business owners. The conversation blew up and it was amazing! Even through that convo (that is currently still going on), Jesus is tearing down walls of fear and allowing His light to shine through our businesses/blogs. There is encourage-tweeting to invite Jesus more into the blog posts and caring less about what people might think or if we got the right context of a verse, etc. Again, bashing through fears and being given grace so that we can be gracious to others.
This then reminded me of a convo I had with my pastor at the church I grew up in. This past weekend, I totally overcame fears and traveled to Toledo not knowing if Zeke would have a seizure. (He totes did, but he's okay.)
The day I left I thought, "With everything going on...", that being our church (which is undeniably God-filled but not so much people filled...can I just say that the people who do come are amazing, like I am talking servant's hearts that are hungry to be challenged and stretched deeply in their faith!!!), Zeke and his epilepsy and developmental delays, lacking in sleep...oh! And we plan to move soon. "...I really should try and chat with Pastor Greg. I'd like to hear what his thoughts are."
So, I got his number and he was happy to meet with me. I was so, so glad.
I don't have a pastor to go to being that Andy is the pastor of my church. Sorry. He's my hubs and although I respect him and love him and I am very blessed by him, I needed to talk with someone who I respected and trusted but was withdrawn from my trails.
Pastor Greg had much encouragment and poured out wisdom as he'd gone through many of the same things but this was the most encouraging.
"I'd be more worried if your church grew really quick."
Now, we didn't only talk about Ember and how the growth was slow-going and number dropping but it's definitely a trial we face in our life right now. We pour out (and so do many others who attend!) so much love and spiritual and emotional efforts into it, it's sometimes hard to know if it's really what God wants when people come, love it and then leave.
What my pastor was getting at was that, lack of numbers doesn't make our church unsuccessful. If Andy is truly preaching the gospel (ha! He doesn't sugar-coat things, let me tell ya!) and challenging people...and there may not be cappuccinos served with the best, most talented worship band (to easily be argued! haha!) out there, then you probably will not have people flocking in, waiting in line to grab a seat.
*No, of course churches who have these things do not = bad. This was about Ember, not pointing fingers at other churches. Promise. Okay, moving on...
I was really encouraged by that. He reminded me of the Israelites who followed God through the pillar of smoke by day and fire by night. Sometimes, God didn't move for years. And right now, God's silent and so we keep seeking Him and waiting on Him to move. Until then, Ember is really blessing those who attend and as a community, we are growing spiritually, together. It's really cool.
For me, this all ties in with the convo on Twitter that I shared with you. How can we bring Jesus more into our businesses? I mean, our businesses or blogs or just through our lives and those we encounter are gifts from God. Why not let him in? Why not share the hope in the gospel through an obvious outlet where we know there are readers, maybe a few lost souls, even? If numbers drop, you're still answering to the one who gave you whatever gift(s) it is you have. Bless Him back.
Just an FYI to any new readers...my numbers are low but I only write when A, I have the time and B. bc of lack of time these days, it's got to be a huge push by the Holy Spirit. I need to know God can use this...for even one person.
And he does. I may not get hundreds of hits, but when I get an email or (a) comment telling me they were blessed, I know God is using even me, even my little blog, for His glory...and that's more than good enough.
Following Jesus isn't easy and this life is hard. We can graciously and openly talk about our faith in Jesus and be a light to this lost world through our own struggles, mishaps and of course, joys.
Tell others of your need for Him. It may be just the thing they need to see their need, too.
They also seemed to have a lot of creative juices floating around. So, basically, in my head it was like a pool of Jesus-loving, creative-juicing, grace-sharing, hope-giving, trendy-dressing women.
I.wanted.to.go.to.there.
So, I asked the hubs...through a text mind you, while he was out 'doin' what he do'...preparing a sermon while the kids (finally) slept. The answer was already clear but I wanted to give a little tease to my very healthy desire to go.
The answer was, "We just can't, babe." I responded, "I know."
The money wasn't there and it wasn't a good idea to leave Zekey all while he was still having seizures and meds were (are still) being leveled out.
I don't blame myself or beat myself over the head for the desire to just be able to up and leave with 4 healthy kids behind and a smiling hubby wishing me a good time.
I just really wanted to be with other woman who got "it." Whatever "it" is. Basically, I love Jesus, but I love trends and I love to create and I love to write and, truly really love people so let's all chat about that. Was that 'it'?
Of course talk of babies and our hot hubs would enter in there because, if one is a momma, her heart doesn't beat too many times without the thought or talk of a little one who isn't with her. It's how we are wired, I think. And probably talk of our hubs taking care of the kids would make us laugh a bit...a little maybe?
Anyway, through the tweeting while these women I stalked were attending the conference, it was very clear that they were being changed for the better, inspired both creativly and spiritually. Transformed. It blessed me even from afar.
I was able to hear the joy through simple tweets. I can read up on blogs to hear how the Holy Spirit was clearly working through these women whether speaking or just attending and were willing to be vulnerable and learn and gain wisdom from others. Always a healthy thing.
I was sad not to attend but encouraged by all that went on. Twitter obviously gives a fraction of what really happened which is yet another reason to say, Jesus was clearly present there.
Tonight, I caught wind of an interesting convo that started with Jessi Connoly of @naptimediaries who bluntly and boldly (and awesomely) tweeted, "Thinking on why there aren't many women online who are MAINLY abt the gospel. Is it bc they don't want to be or bc we don't want to hear?"
Oh, I loved it! I wanted to clarify who she was talking about and it was directed toward Christian women/bloggers/business owners. The conversation blew up and it was amazing! Even through that convo (that is currently still going on), Jesus is tearing down walls of fear and allowing His light to shine through our businesses/blogs. There is encourage-tweeting to invite Jesus more into the blog posts and caring less about what people might think or if we got the right context of a verse, etc. Again, bashing through fears and being given grace so that we can be gracious to others.
This then reminded me of a convo I had with my pastor at the church I grew up in. This past weekend, I totally overcame fears and traveled to Toledo not knowing if Zeke would have a seizure. (He totes did, but he's okay.)
The day I left I thought, "With everything going on...", that being our church (which is undeniably God-filled but not so much people filled...can I just say that the people who do come are amazing, like I am talking servant's hearts that are hungry to be challenged and stretched deeply in their faith!!!), Zeke and his epilepsy and developmental delays, lacking in sleep...oh! And we plan to move soon. "...I really should try and chat with Pastor Greg. I'd like to hear what his thoughts are."
So, I got his number and he was happy to meet with me. I was so, so glad.
I don't have a pastor to go to being that Andy is the pastor of my church. Sorry. He's my hubs and although I respect him and love him and I am very blessed by him, I needed to talk with someone who I respected and trusted but was withdrawn from my trails.
Pastor Greg had much encouragment and poured out wisdom as he'd gone through many of the same things but this was the most encouraging.
"I'd be more worried if your church grew really quick."
Now, we didn't only talk about Ember and how the growth was slow-going and number dropping but it's definitely a trial we face in our life right now. We pour out (and so do many others who attend!) so much love and spiritual and emotional efforts into it, it's sometimes hard to know if it's really what God wants when people come, love it and then leave.
What my pastor was getting at was that, lack of numbers doesn't make our church unsuccessful. If Andy is truly preaching the gospel (ha! He doesn't sugar-coat things, let me tell ya!) and challenging people...and there may not be cappuccinos served with the best, most talented worship band (to easily be argued! haha!) out there, then you probably will not have people flocking in, waiting in line to grab a seat.
*No, of course churches who have these things do not = bad. This was about Ember, not pointing fingers at other churches. Promise. Okay, moving on...
I was really encouraged by that. He reminded me of the Israelites who followed God through the pillar of smoke by day and fire by night. Sometimes, God didn't move for years. And right now, God's silent and so we keep seeking Him and waiting on Him to move. Until then, Ember is really blessing those who attend and as a community, we are growing spiritually, together. It's really cool.
For me, this all ties in with the convo on Twitter that I shared with you. How can we bring Jesus more into our businesses? I mean, our businesses or blogs or just through our lives and those we encounter are gifts from God. Why not let him in? Why not share the hope in the gospel through an obvious outlet where we know there are readers, maybe a few lost souls, even? If numbers drop, you're still answering to the one who gave you whatever gift(s) it is you have. Bless Him back.
Just an FYI to any new readers...my numbers are low but I only write when A, I have the time and B. bc of lack of time these days, it's got to be a huge push by the Holy Spirit. I need to know God can use this...for even one person.
And he does. I may not get hundreds of hits, but when I get an email or (a) comment telling me they were blessed, I know God is using even me, even my little blog, for His glory...and that's more than good enough.
Following Jesus isn't easy and this life is hard. We can graciously and openly talk about our faith in Jesus and be a light to this lost world through our own struggles, mishaps and of course, joys.
Tell others of your need for Him. It may be just the thing they need to see their need, too.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
My Life Verse.
I just wrestled Zeke in bed. Yeah. Not the fun kind where we laugh and play, but the kind where I'm trying to get him to stay still long enough to fall asleep. His new dose on his meds since his last seizure last Thursday has produced the biggest changes in Zeke so far. I was told his meds could make him go a little crazy but until this new dose, he had no problems. Now, he's non-stop and it takes a good hour to 1.5 hours to get him to fall asleep. Even when he wakes up at 4:20 am like he did this morning!
The other result that his new dose has shown is very little to no drooling. Yeah, Zeke started drooling a couple of months ago out of nowhere and we couldn't get it to stop. The dr. thinks it could be a tongue tremor as he has tremors in his hands and possibly somewhere in the core of his body.
For some reason, watching my almost 3 year old drool was a close second to his seizures when it came to bringing anxiety. It made me sad for him, so this is a HUGE praise! Thankful God healed that up and hopefully we will get more answers after his sleep EEG in 2 weeks.
I hate that my life revolves around 1 out of 4 beautiful children God has blessed me with. I have a constant guilt over the fact that I can't just be. I can't just go and cuddle Eisley or play dolls with her. I can't build Legos with Cyrus. Nursing Bexley is a challenge let alone spend quality time playing with her. It's not that Zeke is a bad kid. He's not. He's just the one who is the most needy, and going through the most difficulty.
I wish I could go back to the days when I was constantly reminding myself that life with little ones and all it's struggles...lack of sleep, feeling like a bad mom, sending kids off to school, etc. were short-lived.
And then, I am very quickly reminded that the Breena then, didn't have the faith she does now. The Breena then idolized her children above the God who created them. The Breena then, didn't think about Heaven as much, let alone get that excited about it because, well, she really liked her family here on earth. The Breena then didn't get as excited to share the gospel with the lost.
Me, here and now, still incomplete and not whole but having been graciously molded a little bit more into the Breena God created me to be, is where I really want to be. It's that much closer to my glorified body.
It's funny because Me now has little to nothing to do with my creative talents God has given me and the desires I have to create have pretty much been stripped away in this season. Which, I know are a part of who I am but not as much as I'd like to think.
Ready for this...I have Vogue, Better Homes, Lucky and I think two other magazines sent to my house every month (which used to be this gals dream come TRUE!) from some points my father-in-law racked up and gave to me for a nice gesture and I promise...I have not had time to go through even 1 and it's been a couple of months!! It's a little sad to throw them into this cute wooden box we have as the pile gets higher and higher. WOE IS ME!!!! Sob.Sob.Sob.
Okay, staying focused... I have been stripped of all the extra things I like to do that God has gifted me in and truly, when I am disciplined with my time, I only have time for my devotions (and a few tweets to keep me encouraging others, hopefully!) and crying out to God. It's the only thing that is keeping me from falling apart so why not choose HIM over...well, magazines and such.
Don't get me wrong, it's been SO good and life-changing and I am completely humbled that God has brought me to this place. And this isn't meant to show you how 'holy' I am but to say that James 1 is true. Just in case you were wondering.
So, as I cried out to God (it was like a cry that could be loud but wasn't because I was holding a finally-sleeping Zekey) I asked him to speak to me.
I looked outside and saw this little tree with these beautiful blooms, the color of raspberries. I had never noticed it before. I soon thought about my life verse.
Jeremiah 17:7-8
"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. 8He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."
All of the above is true and I want it to be true of me. I want fear driven out of me as I stay focused on Jesus. I want my roots to be so deep in God's word that any anxiety shakes in fear at the thought of entering my mind. I desire to still be joyful and willing to serve others in the midst of all of this. Loving the best way I can in this season of drought. I want to bear fruit for HIM for all to see that even in this crazy-difficult trial we face, God is STILL good! He sits on the thrown and is ever present. His love is GREAT and he holds me in his hands and all those who love him.
In your trial you are facing right now, sit still and allow God's love to shower you. Cry out to Him and let him be your rescue. Put all the things of this world aside. Family, friends, the internets ;) Let him be your hero and run to Him because he's the only one who will never fail you. ever.
amen.
The other result that his new dose has shown is very little to no drooling. Yeah, Zeke started drooling a couple of months ago out of nowhere and we couldn't get it to stop. The dr. thinks it could be a tongue tremor as he has tremors in his hands and possibly somewhere in the core of his body.
For some reason, watching my almost 3 year old drool was a close second to his seizures when it came to bringing anxiety. It made me sad for him, so this is a HUGE praise! Thankful God healed that up and hopefully we will get more answers after his sleep EEG in 2 weeks.
I hate that my life revolves around 1 out of 4 beautiful children God has blessed me with. I have a constant guilt over the fact that I can't just be. I can't just go and cuddle Eisley or play dolls with her. I can't build Legos with Cyrus. Nursing Bexley is a challenge let alone spend quality time playing with her. It's not that Zeke is a bad kid. He's not. He's just the one who is the most needy, and going through the most difficulty.
I wish I could go back to the days when I was constantly reminding myself that life with little ones and all it's struggles...lack of sleep, feeling like a bad mom, sending kids off to school, etc. were short-lived.
And then, I am very quickly reminded that the Breena then, didn't have the faith she does now. The Breena then idolized her children above the God who created them. The Breena then, didn't think about Heaven as much, let alone get that excited about it because, well, she really liked her family here on earth. The Breena then didn't get as excited to share the gospel with the lost.
Me, here and now, still incomplete and not whole but having been graciously molded a little bit more into the Breena God created me to be, is where I really want to be. It's that much closer to my glorified body.
It's funny because Me now has little to nothing to do with my creative talents God has given me and the desires I have to create have pretty much been stripped away in this season. Which, I know are a part of who I am but not as much as I'd like to think.
Ready for this...I have Vogue, Better Homes, Lucky and I think two other magazines sent to my house every month (which used to be this gals dream come TRUE!) from some points my father-in-law racked up and gave to me for a nice gesture and I promise...I have not had time to go through even 1 and it's been a couple of months!! It's a little sad to throw them into this cute wooden box we have as the pile gets higher and higher. WOE IS ME!!!! Sob.Sob.Sob.
Okay, staying focused... I have been stripped of all the extra things I like to do that God has gifted me in and truly, when I am disciplined with my time, I only have time for my devotions (and a few tweets to keep me encouraging others, hopefully!) and crying out to God. It's the only thing that is keeping me from falling apart so why not choose HIM over...well, magazines and such.
Don't get me wrong, it's been SO good and life-changing and I am completely humbled that God has brought me to this place. And this isn't meant to show you how 'holy' I am but to say that James 1 is true. Just in case you were wondering.
So, as I cried out to God (it was like a cry that could be loud but wasn't because I was holding a finally-sleeping Zekey) I asked him to speak to me.
I looked outside and saw this little tree with these beautiful blooms, the color of raspberries. I had never noticed it before. I soon thought about my life verse.
Jeremiah 17:7-8
"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. 8He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit."
All of the above is true and I want it to be true of me. I want fear driven out of me as I stay focused on Jesus. I want my roots to be so deep in God's word that any anxiety shakes in fear at the thought of entering my mind. I desire to still be joyful and willing to serve others in the midst of all of this. Loving the best way I can in this season of drought. I want to bear fruit for HIM for all to see that even in this crazy-difficult trial we face, God is STILL good! He sits on the thrown and is ever present. His love is GREAT and he holds me in his hands and all those who love him.
In your trial you are facing right now, sit still and allow God's love to shower you. Cry out to Him and let him be your rescue. Put all the things of this world aside. Family, friends, the internets ;) Let him be your hero and run to Him because he's the only one who will never fail you. ever.
amen.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Zeke's Healing...
When Zeke had his first seizure back in May, I truly thought
it was a fluke and it would never happen again. Then it did, about a month later and it was scary as it was
more intense and lasted longer.
After his second seizure, we had gone over a month without a seizure which brought me much hope.
One day a few weeks ago while visiting Andy at work, I
looked back at Zeke and he wasn’t acting his normal self. Slow to respond, he seemed out of
it. This is usually how he acts
right before he goes into full seizure mode. So I payed close attention to him and tried to convince Andy that he wasn’t
‘alright’. It was so faint that it
was hard to say. He snapped out of
it and I took the kids back home.
Later, I realized I had forgotten to give him his meds that
morning, but I had forgotten once before and he wasn’t affected. I called the dr. not really knowing if
it was a seizure I saw but I wanted them to record it.
That week was busy because close friends of ours were
getting married. We were helping
them out a lot and Andy, Cyrus, Eisley and I were all in the wedding. So, although a fun week, it was a
crazy-busy week, too.
Like the saint she is, my momma came into town
Thursday-Sunday to watch Zeke and Bexley so we could make the most of enjoying
this wedding and celebrate it without the need to get back to the
‘sitter’. Grammies are great for
that kind of thing because the kids get extra cuddles and special attention and this gal gets quality
time with her amazing momma.
Sunday morning came and Zeke hadn’t gotten his meds the night before and we thought we’d be okay
to give it to him the next morning just like we had been told. I mean, who wants to wake a sleeping
Zeke?! Anyone?! Nope!
I woke up with the kids the next morning and started to make pancakes. It was 8 am and I loved watching Zeke
as he seemed so sweet and fun and just content. It made me take a little longer to give him his meds because
I wondered if his meds were turning him into someone he isn’t. That and I had 4 hungry children to
feed and so I thought, ‘I will give it to him as soon as I serve everyone.’
Just as I finished making the pancakes and started to serve
the kids, I see Zeke start to go ‘out of it’. I go to pick him up and hold him. Soon after, he went into full seizure mode.
For Zeke, this is basically his eyes going up into his head,
up to the left and sometimes blinking.
Eventually, it becomes difficult for him to breathe and he starts to
drool while his lips turn purple and his face white from lack of oxygen. His body doesn’t twitch, he has control
of his body other than what I have described. They call his complex-partial seizures.
I start praying out loud and I look up at the clock. My heart is pounding, then I realize
it’s been 5 minutes and scream for Andy and my mom to wake up and call
911. It was time to use the
Diastat which is a suppository to help stop the seizure.
It took awhile for it to kick in and he started to loose
oxygen as he always does, eventually. His lips turned purple and
his face white as a ghost. The
scariest thing in the world is praying for your son as you watch him stare up
at you, struggling to breathe. This
is not the first time I had seen this, but it was Andy’s.
I rocked him and gave him over to God through my prayers. I begged God not to take my boy
away from me. I begged for God to
heal Zekey and to bring him out of the seizure.
Eisley and Cyrus came up crying and said, “Is Zeke going to
die?!” and I told them to go downstairs and pray. So, they sat on the basement steps crying and praying for
their little brother.
After about 10 minutes, he finally came out of it and cried
himself to sleep.
We were taken away in an ambulance and rushed to
Children’s. He slept about an hour,
which is normal for someone who has just had a seizure.
Looking back, it was foolish of me to wait so long to give
him his meds but I don’t blame myself for daydreaming of life the way it
was. Life where Zeke was just a
boy we were waiting on to talk and there were no seizures. Life where we had 4 healthy children...so we thought.
Sometimes I cant help but wonder
how his meds are effecting him. Does
he get headaches that he can’t tell me about? Do they make him sleepy or cranky? It kills me a bit but I can’t dwell on those things….
Actually, there are a lot of things I should not dwell on because they are completely out
of my control. His seizures and
when the next one will strike, his speech and development and if he’ll ever be
a ‘typical’ child. Right now, it’s
not looking too promising. It will
take a miracle for Zeke to talk and develop along side with his peers. He’s just too far behind.
So, do I accept it for what it is and say, “Well, at least
he is….” Or “Well, at least he doesn’t…” and leave the possibilities for real
healing to happen on the sideline?
In no way am I meaning to judge those who go right to that
kind of response because not long ago, about a year ago to be exact, I was one of
those people. A miracle to me was,
well, ‘something that only happened in the bible’.
My eyes have been graciously opened to all that God can do
through the power he gives us with the Holy Spirit. Why push that aside for fear that He won’t come through in
healing Zeke, or that I will look or sound crazy? Maybe it’s fear that
I will make healing an idol over God himself.
So, I have taken my desire for Zeke to be healed in Jesus’
name to God many times and as I read more of God’s word, I am conviced that
healings are a part of who God is through us (a part, not the most important or
even necessary for salvation). I
will not shun Zeke’s healing. Not
out of fear and simply because, I have a sweet boy who needs God’s healing hand
and I will pray till my dying days that God would hear my cry and bless us with
a miracle in Zeke.
Luke 18:1-8 NLT
Parable of the Persistent Widow
18 One day Jesus told his disciples a story to show that they should
always pray and never give up. 2 “There was a judge in a certain city,” he said, “who neither feared
God nor cared about people. 3 A widow of that
city came to him repeatedly, saying, ‘Give me justice in this dispute with my
enemy.’ 4 The judge
ignored her for a while, but finally he said to himself, ‘I don’t fear God or
care about people, 5 but this woman
is driving me crazy. I’m going to see that she gets justice, because she is
wearing me out with her constant requests!’”
6 Then the Lord
said, “Learn a lesson from this unjust judge. 7 Even he rendered a just decision in the end. So don’t you think God
will surely give justice to his chosen people who cry out to him day and night?
Will he keep putting them off? 8 I tell you, he will grant justice to them quickly! But when the Son of
Man[a] returns, how many will he find on the earth who
have faith?”
Another way Jesus tells us to pray is in the Lord’s Prayer.
Matthew 6:9-13
9“This, then, is how you should pray:
“”Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
10your kingdom come,
your will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
11Give us today our daily bread.
12And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
13And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.
For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.”
I never really took much thought to “your kingdom come, your will be
done on earth as it is in heaven.”
God’s will is heaven. For all brokenness, as we know our world today
from The Fall of Adam and Eve, to be made whole. Our bodies will be in a glorified state. There will be no spot or blame, no
tears, no disease, nothing that brings our hearts or bodies discomfort. Heaven, and all it’s glory, is God’s
will.
No, it’s not God’s will for Zeke to be developmentally delayed and to
have seizures. Today he has them and
today, I will choose to ask for God’s kingdom to come in Ezekiel’s’ body, here
on earth, before he gets to heaven.
The tension in the Lord’s Prayer is between the already, or what is,
and the not yet.
Colleen York, who I was blessed to find and now follow via Twitter and is always
tweeting truth and encouragement, said this the other day, “It is what it
is. But that doesn’t mean it can’t
be changed.”
I have no idea what her intent was for saying that, but it was one
more boost of encouragement I needed, to keep on pressing into God, my heavenly
father, Jesus, my savior and king, the Holy Spirit who lives inside me giving
me all I need to live a godly life and BELIEVE that God will heal Ezekiel Todd
Holt.
We stand fully in faith as we pray for Zeke believing that God will
heal him. I want my trust in God to be so great that I pray fervently for the
kingdom to come in Ezekiel's body and wait expectantly and not loose hope. That the redeemed work in Christ’s resurrection
come now.
Today I am thankful for the little miracles in Zeke’s development. Learning to kick a ball, learning how
to nod his head ‘yes’ and shake his head ‘no’. Saying “I love you” in a very abstract way to Jesus in
prayer. I am thankful that he is
full of life through his smiles and hugs, and that his tender heart is
concerned for those who cry. I am
thankful for Cyrus and Eisley who also pray believing in God’s healing
hand. They want Ezekiel to talk so
badly. It’s so precious.
And I truly believe
Ezekiel wants to talk. So we wait,
with expectant hearts believing in the God who created him. We keep praying and never stop
believing.
To God be the glory forever! Amen.
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